Happy Due Date August Baby

Sweet August baby... 

Oh how I wish that today I was holding you instead of just remembering you.  I can still close my eyes and see your little heart fluttering away on the ultrasound machine... That is a memory that I will always cherish. It reminds me that you were indeed real... that even though it was too short, you did have your own little story. You changed my life forever, and I am so thankful that God gave you to me. Your story will always be part of my story.  I often ask Jesus to tell you that I love you... I don't know if it works like that, but it feels nice to think I can somehow communicate my love to you. I long for the day we can all be together again. I love you. 

Love always,

Mommy 

MRI results

Dr Kumar called me on Friday. My MRI showed that I do in fact have Adnomyosis. So now maybe we can get down to business of figuring out what we want to do.   I love my little guy something fierce, and it really is different making decisions about our family's future now that he's in it. We still really don't know what would be best for us Wilson's, and I think figuring it out is going to take some time and prayer, and that's ok. :) The mini IVF is still the treatment plan that dr K is recommending.  He was on his cell so he was kind of hard to hear, but he did say we'd have to make embryos first and then shut down my system for three months, which would help temporarily get rid of my endo and the Adnomyosis. So this may end up being a pretty long process if we do move forward. 

I am struggling a little with the fact that maybe my August baby died and it could have been prevented, and rationally I know there is no way to know. But other than that I am kind of glad to have something to treat should we pursue further treatments. I'm also thankful for a Dr who calls me from his personal cell phone to update me on test results. He could have easily had a nurse do it, but he did it himself. And it's not like I'm getting some sort of special treatment, I have three other IRL friends that I have referred to him and they all report similar things. It's refreshing in a world where good "customer service" is hard to come by. 

It's been a long first quarter for 2014. I feel like I've been struggling more than I've been resting.  And I want to change that.  Just need to learn to keep my eyes on Jesus and trust that He not only has a plan, but that it's a good one. :). 

Blessings,

Amy

I need a plan

I'm not very type A. I'm not very organized. But I do like to know where I'm going. I don't do well with the unknown. I will always take bad news over no news. It's just part of what makes me tick. I am also still grieving. I am dealing with a pinched nerve/muscle thingy in my neck. I can't focus. I just want to sob but the tears won't come. I'm not getting enough sleep. All of these things are not helping. They are making everything harder. 

I know everyone wants to say, relax, don't think about it... Stop worrying. But it's not that simple. My babies are gone and I can't get them back. My neck hurts and I can't sleep. I know "God has a plan". But it's hard to find comfort in that when so far His plan has involved losing five embryos (one of them after 9 weeks of hoping that every thing would be ok). So yes, Gods got a plan. It doesn't mean that it doesn't involve pain. Or heartache or loss. It doesn't mean that I like His plan right now. I feel like Gods trying to break me, but I'm already broken. 

Our sweet dr has a plan for us. It involves some tests on me and then doing a mini IVF round. It's half the cost and a lot less meds. And he thinks we would be good candidates for mini IVF. But we don't know if we want to do it. If we did do it it would be several months from now. The several months part sounds really good. I do need a break. I just feel like I can't be on a break until I know what we are going to do. But decisions like these take time. So that's where I'm at, no plan. Just sitting here trying not to feel like a crazy person. Got to let it all go, but I don't know how. 

I hate infertility. 

No surprises...

Finally got the call. Beta was negative of course. Dr K wants to do a follow up with us in person on Saturday. And he also apparently wants to see about doing an MRI on my pelvis. I have no idea why? Kinda freaky. But anyway. Glad I at least avoided beta purgatory this time.   

I am truly bummed, last night was particularly hard. I always wanted a big family and it's hard to think that this 8 year journey is possibly over. I've spent three years praying and hoping and wishing that those embryos would make it when the time came to use them. And now they are gone.  

I am praying Dr K will have some sort of insight to give us. Maybe some treatment options to pray about, or just clarity that this chapter in our lives is, in fact, over. 

There aren't any easy answers folks. Just a hope that ultimately this world is not our home, and that God is still good, and still with us. 

Everything is coming up negative....

No positive HPTs this cycle. :(

I tested Thursday, Friday and today.... Totally negative. And you know I'm good at finding that second line if it's there!! Lol. Anyway, I'm ok I guess.  Devistated, but somehow, I haven't even cried when they come up negative. Just another sign to me that I am not pregnant, coz normally I am way more emotional at this point. I mean, don't get me wrong, I've had a few melt downs later in the day, but I thought I would be doing a lot worse. I think I honesty couldn't believe I'd be lucky enough to have two successful pregnancies, so maybe that's why it's not a shock.  And maybe "lucky enough" is the wrong wording. Just a dream of mine that seems too big to ever achieve??  I dunno. 

I'm also fairly competitive so I hate to go out on a down note, ya know? And I don't want infertility to "win", which again, is a ridiculous way to look at it!! Lol. And I miss my little frozen embryos. I had hopes and dreams for them, they were very real to me, and I miss them.  I've spent the last three years hoping that I would get to meet them.  And if will alone was enough, then I'm quite certain they would have made it. That is how badly I wanted them to live. But I am thankful that my babies are no longer frozen. That always bothered me a lot. So at least that weight is lifted.  

I know that I have a lot to be thankful for and I'm enjoying the toddler/preschool age with Titus right now. Oddly enough he has been requesting to be wrapped up in his blanket and rocked to sleep the last four nights which has been hugely comforting to me. So I know that God is still there and loves me, even if this didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.  

I don't feel like I'm done trying, I'm not that old really, and I'd always pictured our family being bigger. But when I think about starting all over with IVF, or pursuing donated embryos, it seems so overwhelming (and I don't think I could convince Ryan anyways). So for now I think we will just be taking an indefinite break. I'd love to do foster/adopt once we have a house again. But, for now it's not really anything I can plan on. We aren't in a place to even consider it, since we are still renting, and I think it will be more healthy for me to just to try and put future children out of my mind for a while and just enjoy the family that I do have. 

So for now I have three more shots to do (two tonight, and one more tomorrow). Ugh. For some reason they hurt SO bad this time. We should be pros by now, and I've never had the lumps and brusing like I've had this time. Anyway, once I get the official beta results on Monday (12dp 6dt), I'm looking forward to a Venti CAFFEINATED latte, and being able to workout again.  

Life is going to look different than I'd hoped. But I don't want that to be a negative thing. I just have to redefine my dream. And that isn't going to happen overnight (I don't think) but I do think it is possible. God and time are great healers. So I'm just going to keep bringing my mangled heart to Him, and trust that over time it will get easier. 

Babies on board!

The newest Wilson's!!! 

Transfer is complete!! Both survived the thaw, but unfortunately neither one looked very good. Dr Kumar said that one (the top one) definitely looked a little better than the other. The embryologist said the damage to them was due to the slow freezing process (which they no longer use). I'm bummed, and a few tears have been shed, but I'm just trying to remember that nothing is too hard for God. I'm praying that God breathes life into their little cells. 

The actual transfer was kind of crazy this time. Dr Kumar could not get the catheter in the right place during the mock transfer and had to end up using a metal catheter that he could thread a smaller catheter through. I have never had any issues before during a transfer so it was all a little unnerving (and painful!). But he assured me that each transfer is different and he thought maybe my bladder was just a tad too full. Ultimately he was very pleased with the embryo placement, so at least that was reassuring. My beta is on 3/10, and of course I usually start taking HPTs 8dpt. 

To my last two little loves... I am praying so very hard that you stick around and I hope that no matter what you will somehow know how very loved and wanted you are. 

Overdue update!

Sorry I've dropped the ball this time on the updates!! Everything has been going so so fast this time!  Here are the highlights....

At my second lining check, my lining was already at 19!!! Yikes!  The nurse said she's never seen it that thick, but that it wasn't a bad thing, just needed to be over 8 prior to transfer. She then flipped through my chart and said that it looked like I always have thick lining. It was a 16, the appointment before Titus was transferred, and an 18 the appointment before August baby was transferred. But she noted that I'd never had lining that thick, that early, or ever during an ARTs cycle. Well, of course it weirded me out to be outside of the norm (funny how we all just want to be "normal", right?). So I did what every "normal" person would do and consulted Dr Google (big mistake). I google a lot. I work as an assistant planner writing environmental docs like MNDs and EIRs, have I lost you yet? So, before you assume that I spend my days on my high horse saving squirrels and kit fox, let me just state that I'm a pretty conservative gal (married to a cop so yeah know, I believe in that whole, right to bear arms thing, etc), these documents are supposed to be disclosure documents written from an unbiased opinion. Basically we have to find out what the county/city standards are and make sure that the new project complies with those standards and any state or federal laws. Basically like writing a big term paper. BORING, I know, but it pays the bills and I can work part time and even from home if needed. Ok, so back to googling, as a planner I google a lot. In fact I consider myself somewhat of a professional googler. :-). So when I googled "thick lining" and hardly anything pertinate came up, that was a red flag to me. It seems that thin lining is the predominate problem out there. I did find a few things and it was all pretty split. Some said lining could never be too thick others said you don't want it over a 16 or 18. Ok, so here is where I started to panic a little. 

But wait, there is more...  I've been working out several days a week since January, and I think it's been helpful in keeping my anxity low-ish and I've been sleeping better (for some reason the delestrogen seems to screw with my normally good sleeping pattern). Anyway, I did a legs/abs work out that night. And then I started spotting. I've never spotted before a transfer. But here I was with bright red spotting that lasted for a couple hours. Ugh. Now I was in full on panic mode and once again, google didn't have a lot to say about it. This was a Saturday. I called Sunday morning and left a message for a nurse to call me back, which they usually do, but for some reason no one did. Monday I finally got a hold of a nurse and she said that it was still early enough in the cycle that everything was probably fine. But she did say that my lining was pretty darn thick and that sometimes that can cause bleeding and that fluid in the uterus is bad. So, if they saw any on my next ultrasound they would probably cancel this cycle. She also said to call her if I had any more bleeding. 

Whomp, whomp, whomp!

I spent the rest of the week thinking that they were probably going to cancel my transfer. I was bummed. But good news was that I had not had any more spotting.  This past Saturday was my last lining check and low and behold it was "perfect", no fluid and measuring at 18. Somehow I'd managed to think it was going to be a crazy number like 24 or something. So transfer was definitely a GO!!  

Today at 10:30, I will get to meet our last two littles. I'm overjoyed and a little sad that these are our last two. I can't help but wonder if this is the last time I will ever have a real chance at being pregnant. But, I try not to linger on that thought for too long. Mostly I'm just trying to focus on the joy of getting to be pregnant again, even if it's just for a few hours.  I pray that they survive the thaw.  I pray that God breathes life into their little cells and that they snuggle in and GROW!! I pray that I would have the privilege of meeting them again in nine months. And I also pray that God would give me the strength to face whatever comes next.