I know everyone wants to say, relax, don't think about it... Stop worrying. But it's not that simple. My babies are gone and I can't get them back. My neck hurts and I can't sleep. I know "God has a plan". But it's hard to find comfort in that when so far His plan has involved losing five embryos (one of them after 9 weeks of hoping that every thing would be ok). So yes, Gods got a plan. It doesn't mean that it doesn't involve pain. Or heartache or loss. It doesn't mean that I like His plan right now. I feel like Gods trying to break me, but I'm already broken.
Our sweet dr has a plan for us. It involves some tests on me and then doing a mini IVF round. It's half the cost and a lot less meds. And he thinks we would be good candidates for mini IVF. But we don't know if we want to do it. If we did do it it would be several months from now. The several months part sounds really good. I do need a break. I just feel like I can't be on a break until I know what we are going to do. But decisions like these take time. So that's where I'm at, no plan. Just sitting here trying not to feel like a crazy person. Got to let it all go, but I don't know how.
I hate infertility.
Praying for clarity about what to do next. I am like you, I want to know where I am going. I am sad that you are in this hard place.
ReplyDeleteThank you Elizabeth. It's hard to not know really even what you WANT to do next, let alone what the GOD wants you to do!! But I did get some good sleep Thursday night and that really does help make it all feel more managable.
DeleteAmy, there is no way you could simply "relax" and not think about things. You've experienced a deep deep heartbreak, a massive loss. It's been a year after our failed IVF, and I still think about our two little babies. Of course I do - I loved them. I still love them. While you can't relax or let it go at this point, you can rest in the Lord. I think those are different things. God is the only one who can bring rest, even when it seems rest is unattainable. He can give you peaceful moments, nights when you're able to sleep, days when the pain (both physical and emotional) subsides. I so get wanting a plan! I am like that. But sometimes, the plan is simple: rest in Him, bring Him your burdens.
ReplyDelete(Hope it doesn't sound like I have all the answers...you know I don't and I'm a mess often!!! Just wanting to assure that it's okay to grieve and let yourself feel this loss. That's when we turn to God.)
Praying for you each day, friend.
Thank you Candace. Your words really helped me. I know that over time it will get easier and the direction we should go will be hopefully clearer. Resting in Jesus is always a good plan and something I need to be reminded of. :)
DeleteYou are not crazy! I am a planner too! Praying so hard that this Mini works for you!!!
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