2 years ago...

Two years ago today was the first time I "met" Titus and all of his little brothers and/or sisters.  It was the day of our embryo transfer and I got to see pictures of all my little babies.  I truly love them all and look forward to meeting them all someday, if not on this earth, then in heaven.  I remember this day two years ago like it was yesterday, and yet at the same time it feels like a lifetime ago.  I remember feeling sort of down the day of the transfer because I realized that there was nothing more I could do to make sure we got pregnant.  But then I remember realizing that there was never really anything I could do, it was always in Gods hands.  And I still have to put Titus and our remaining four embryo's in His hands everyday, knowing that He has a plan and His will is ultimately best whether it ever makes sense to me or not.
The sermon at church yesterday talked about how we are all called to disciple others and to be discipled, and how God uses the trials and struggles we go through in our lives to help others when they are going through similar circumstances.  It gave me such comfort to know that by sharing my story (mostly in real life, because I don't think my blog gets read much, and that is totally fine! lol) God can use that to touch someone who maybe just needs to know that they aren't alone, that someone is praying for them, rooting for them, hoping for them, remembering that they had an appointment or ultrasound or were meeting with an adoption agency, etc. Taped to the inside of my Bible I have some encouraging words and a few verses and a prayer that really helped me on some of my darkest days.  I want to share them with you today, if nothing else typing them out will be great way for me to really soak them in again:

"Lord, You are SO good.  You do all things well."  (This always reminds me that God doesn't make mistakes, and He doesn't waste the hurt.  He has a plan and a purpose that are always at work to shape me into the person that He wants me to be.)

"Lord, thank you for our infertility.  Also, thank you that YOU are in CONTROL, and that this is good for me or You would not permit it.  Thank You for this special opportunity to glorify You and magnify Your name.  Thank You for what You are trying to teach me.  Use me for Your glory even if I must continue to suffer through this experience. Amen."  (I can remember praying this prayer over and over.  Surrendering to Him in my infertility brought me such comfort on the bad days.  For me it is an ongoing process of laying it down at His feet.  I seem to continually pick this cross up when I don't need to.)

"Combat comes before victory.  If God has chosen special trials for you to endure, be assured He has kept a very special place in His heart just for you.  A badly bruised soul is one who is chosen."  (I cannot remember where I found this quote, but I just love it SO SO much.  How great is our God who sees all of our struggles and holds us in His hands.)

"If we are faithless, HE remains faithful, for HE cannot deny Himself. - 2 Timothy 2:24"  (One of my favorite Bible verses and an awesome reminder that even when we feel like giving up He is still faithful.)

"Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.  Hebrews 4:16" (Probably my all time favorite verse.)

I pray that the Lord reminds me of all of these things over the next few months as we look forward to our FET in the fall.  I feel like my hiatus from infertility is over, and I realize that may sound weird because I have Titus.  And I am grateful everyday that I have the privilege of being his mommy, but we are still infertile, and that still hurts (although it is definitely not the open wound it once was).  Treatments are still hard, and I know that there will likely be disappointments along the way, and that is why I must continually lean on Him.  I've walked this road before and I know that HE was always there and I look forward (am I really saying this?) to seeing how He is going to work in my heart again.  I am so anxious/excited/nervous to see how God expands our family.  And maybe He won't, maybe the answer this time will be 'no'.  But that too will be an answer, and yet another opportunity to trust Him.  Today I feel like I can find peace and contentment in that.  But I also know that tomorrow I may lose sight of His goodness and need THIS very post to reflect on.  :)

Happy Monday!