Round 2...?

It really feels like a lifetime ago that we started IVF, it has been over two years so I guess that is quite a while. Where does the time go?  Titus is now 19 months and a true joy. I cannot imagine what having another baby would look like. I don't feel like I deserve one. I feel like I used up all my blessings and luck with Titus and somehow that makes me think that more kiddos aren't in our future. But I know that isn't scriptural or how God works. He gives and takes away, and our lives are about bringing glory to Him no matter where He leads us. We were blessed by Him before Titus, with Titus, and we are blessed with or without more children. Children are a blessing, but they are not THE blessing, they are one of many ways that God can bless us. 

All that to say that I think round two will feel very different. Having Titus makes this feel like a bonus round. Like even if it doesn't work, I won't walk away totally empty handed. And yet I truly love my four frozen little babies and I long to have them in my arms. In my head they are three boys and one girl and they have names waiting for them (well names that I would use, Hubs and I will definitely have to duke it out if that time ever comes). I don't know if I will ever get to hold them this side of heaven, but I pray that I do. 

So round 2 leaves me with so many mixed feelings. Feelings of... What if it doesn't work?... OMG, what if it does?... It's truely bittersweet, Titus brings a real reality to what our four little embryos represent. They are truely little lives waiting to get growing. I'm sorry that they are still frozen and waiting for us. I feel like we hit pause on their lives and I cannot wait for them to be out of limbo land. And yet that means that they might not "be" anymore. For now they feel safe, alive, and waiting. But once thawed the risk begins again. The reality of them possibly not making it is hard. But as their mother I need to rest in the fact that their days are predetermined by God and that He loves them even more than I do. 

So basically all that rambling to say that I finally made the call to our clinics office (it only took me like a week, I can't explain it but that first call is always hard for me). We can start the process any time just have to call on day one of my cycle. So now we just have to pick which month. Currently I'm voting for October and my husband is voting for December. Lol! Prayers for peace and comfort would be much appreciated. This is a wild ride and I can't believe we are about to get back on it. Wee-haw!!