A mixed bag...

This last week was a very mixed bag.

Titus turned two on Monday.  Blows. my. mind.  When did the sweet baby I brought home from the hospital turn into a little boy?  He has truly been one of my greatest blessings and many times a great source of comfort.  He is a living, breathing answer to prayer and I love him SO very much.  His vocabulary is growing rapidly.  He now asks me questions frequently and will come grab my hand and say "c'mon, play, hurry".  It is so sweet.  He also will sometimes randomly tell me, "I wuv you".  Melts my heart every time.  I do not deserve him.

We did not celebrate his birthday on Monday however because we had a funeral to go to.  My cousins husband, was killed in a car accident on Christmas Eve while transporting two prisoners from one jail to another (he was a deputy for our local sheriffs department).  I haven't even had the words to actually type it out here.  It's almost like if I don't post it, then maybe it didn't happen.  You see, Jeremy was a huge part of our lives a few years ago.  He and Ryan worked together 9 years ago and Jeremy spent a lot of time and effort convincing us to go out on a blind date. He was the best man at our wedding, and just an all around great guy.  In recent years we had all kind of gone our own ways.  So I actually hadn't talked to him in over a year.  But somehow I always thought that life would slow down and we'd all get together again.  It's very hard to wrap my mind around that fact that we aren't ever going to hear from him again.  It's a hard way to learn the lesson that life is way too short.  His funeral was beautiful and gut wrenching.  I had never been to a law enforcement funeral and it was quite something to witness.  I pray I never have to attend another one. 

As for me and my own personal loss... every day seems to get a little easier and I am only occasionally caught off guard by tears. In church yesterday we sang Oceans, by Hillsong. This song has made me cry every time I've heard it this lately. So I didn't stand a chance this morning. I hate crying in front of people (and no one probably even noticed, but still). All of the words ring true to me. I want to just surrender and give it all to Him, but it is hard knowing that the outcomes are not always going to be what we had hoped. All in all it was good to go to church, just hard to smile at times when I just wanted to sit and weep. These are the moments I think it would be nice to be catholic. Lol. Then I could go to the church when it was empty and just light a candle and sit and pray and cry as needed. Geez, how depressing does that sound!!?  I really am doing ok, I promise.  I am very much looking forward to our next transfer and praying daily for those two little ones.  I want so very badly to meet both of them this side of heaven.  I spoke with Dr. K for a while on the phone on Thursday.  He said that we are free to return for treatment as soon as we feel ready, there is no need to wait and also no advantages to doing it sooner than later.  He said getting pregnant twice is  great indicator that my body is functioning correctly and that our chances for success will really depend on the embryo's.

I read this verse today and it really ministered to me:

You who have shown me many troubles and distresses
Will revive me again,
And will bring me up again from the depths of the earth.
May You increase my greatness
And turn to comfort me.
Psalm 71:20-21
How awesome is it that we serve a God who will REVIVE us again.  Who can bring us back from the depths.  I am so thankful for these truths.

Another thing that has really been helpful to me on this journey is the message boards and forums on hannahsprayer.org.  I don't know if I've ever shared about this site, but it truly has something for everyone dealing with infertility (well women only).  They have forums for couples complete as two, for women who are dealing with primary infertility, for miscarriage, for adoption, for adoption loss, for embryo adoption, etc.  Anyway, I highly recommend checking it out if you haven't ever heard of it before. 

Okay I think that's all for now.  :)
Amy