One Week

It's been a week. A long week. But I am doing ok. My grief is real and at times very raw. But for the most part I feel like it's going to be ok. And hopeful, happy, and (at times naively) optimistic Amy is still in there somewhere and not that far from where I am today. 

Just to keep it real, they prescribed me some X.anax last Friday just incase I needed it. I have never taken anything like that before, not because I'm against it, but simply because I've never felt like I needed it. Those first few days were really hard and I took X.anax a few times and that really helped me. And since then I haven't felt like I needed them. So I'm thankful for that.  I know it's all the prayer and also all the hormones that are finally getting out of my system. All those shots, plus pregnancy hormones really do a number on my emotions. It is nice to start to feel like myself again. 

Physically it hasn't been bad at all. I had a blood test today and my hCG came back at 3.5, which they consider negative. This is really good news. It means my body did what it was supposed to and that I don't have to do any more blood work. Yay!  I've had enough needles in my life for a while. 

I have a follow up phone consult with Dr K scheduled for Thursday and I am looking forward to that. I would like this thoughts on what happened and what the best way to proceed is (do we jump right back in or wait a cycle or two). I am not in a huge hurry, but I also want to continue to move forward in whatever way will give us the best chance for success with our last two embryos. 

I also have had a lot of peace that there was most likely something pretty wrong with our little one and I am so glad that he/she is now in heaven with a perfect body, never having to face any pain or discomfort here on this earth. Titus is pretty good medicine too, he is a even bigger miracle to me now and I am even more thankful for him than I was before.

If anything I feel like I'm facing one of my worst fears and realizing that it isn't going to kill me. I think I can actually find contentment and peace as a family of three and that is HUGE for me. HUGE. It takes so much pressure off of the next cycle. And Lord willing I will hopefully be pregnant again early this year. Out of the original four we have two left. One out of four of those little babies has to be a good one, right? :-) and if not, then we will cross that bridge when we get there. 

God has been good to me. He has been faithful. This is definitely the most emotional pain I have ever been in, but I find SO much comfort in the fact He hasn't forsaken us. He is still with us. And how do I know this? By the fact that each day gets a little better. That I can still wholeheartedly rejoice and be sincerely glad for my pregnant friends. Even if I am missing my baby. That I can find comfort and peace in what I do have. All of those things are not who I am naturally or who I was even a few years ago. I owe all of that to God and the work that He has been doing in my life. 

Do I miss my baby? Yes, always. 

Do I cry? Sometimes. 

Will I be sad if I never get pregnant again? Definitely. 

But this isn't the end of my story and I'm starting to feel excited to see what comes next and thankful for all that I have learned along the way. 

A friend of mine texted me this pic. It totally made me cry, but also made me so happy for all my little babies in heaven that I haven't met yet. 

Thank you for all your prayers, comments, love and support. It has truely been the arms and feet of Jesus in my life these past few weeks.