2014

I have never been more conflicted about a new year than I am this year. I typically like the New Years holiday. I love a fresh start. A clean slate. I also enjoy reflecting on the past year and remembering all that has happened. Even during our five years of IF with no child I can remember always being glad that another year was behind us. Because surely the next one would be better. 

But this year, something about thinking that 2013 is over just makes me want to cry. I think it's because I'm still very much in the middle of trying to process all that has happened in the last nine weeks. Because in reality it was really a pretty great year. We paid off a ton of debt. We survived living with my parents for a full year (and got our own place again in September). We have had the privilege of another year with Titus and are enjoying him more and more every day. I mean babies are great, I am for sure a baby person. But I'm finding that toddlers are an all out blast and that has been so fun. (They are also messy, and cranky, and sometimes down right hostile, but still SO much fun!). So again, it has been a great year. The part of me that wants to kick and scream and cry and refuse to turn the page to a new year is the part of me that holds the last nine weeks as sacred. As the only time on this earth when this little baby Wilson was an active part of our story. So to move to a new year just seems so final. Like it's definitely over and I don't get to take this baby with me. My life will move forward. And our baby is not going to be moving forward with us. 2014 has already let me down, because it already looks a lot different than I thought it would a week ago. I know I have to find a way to come to terms with this. But the sentimental mommy in me just wants to stay in 2013 forever. Because 2013 was a good year and even had a new baby in it, and at this point 2014 does not. 

So hear I sit. Knowing, even in my sadness, that 2014 can't be all bad.  (And the optimist in me can't wait to see what's in store for us.) I pray that this year holds more happiness than tears, and that God continues to use the hard things in life to refine me and make me more like Him. I pray that He will give me the courage to keep moving forward and to live the life that He has given me, even if it looks different than I thought it was going to.