Saturday, December 28, 2013

And just like that, it was over...

We had our second ultrasound yesterday. The last one before "graduating" to a regular OB. The last one. I had struggled a lot with fear this time, but the last few days had been so much more peaceful. So, I was really hopeful that all was well and looking forward to seeing our baby wriggling on the screen, with arms and little legs. Instead Dr Hubert searched and searched. Ultimately he found nothing but a small sac with no baby in it. 

I should be almost 9 weeks. I should be having a baby this summer. Giving my son a sibling. Instead I am empty. Left trying to search for a way to honor a life I never met, a baby I will never hold on this earth. What do you do to remember them? All of them. The ones that didn't make it to blast.  The ones that didn't implant. The ones who were growing, but then for some reason stopped. How? Little lives that only I will probably ever remember or feel much of a connection to. My heart is broken. 

They sent me home with meds to induce a miscarriage. I could have just waited it out, but my mom has Titus and I just wanted to try and get thru the worst of the physical part this weekend, while I'm off work. I keep praying that God would be merciful to me and allow my body to do what it needs to do without complications. So far I'm doing ok and it hasn't been too painful. And for that I am thankful. 

I know ultimately I will be ok. My heart will heal and I will be stronger for this. Infertility is SO ugly and I refuse to let it rob me of my joy perminantly. I want to live in a place where what I already have is more than enough. Where just Jesus is enough. I'm not there yet, but it is my goal.  We have two more babies waiting, and we will go back for them soon. Just not exactly sure when right now. I want to make sure I'm in a good place mentally.
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Baby mine, you got the best end of this deal. While I sit here crying, you are rejoicing with Jesus. Your body is perfect and you are truly in the best place anyone could ever imagine. I pray that you know just how loved and wanted you were. Heaven got so much sweeter to me yesterday when I realized that you were there already. I am not ready to say goodbye to you. But I look forward to holding you (and all your siblings that haven't made it) for the first time in heaven. 
Love always,
Mommy
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5 comments:

  1. Elizabeth (and Dan)December 28, 2013 at 8:05 AM

    Oh no....this is heartbreaking to say the least. You voiced your loss so well. I have been where you are at and fear that I will be there again. I am so sorry this is part of your story and that you have to endure this loss and the loss of your other littles. I will be praying for you as you grieve.

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    1. AmyDecember 28, 2013 at 11:27 AM

      Thank you for your support Elizabeth. It means so much to me. Especially because I know you have been there too and know exactly how I feel. I pray that God would ease your worries and fears regarding your little one. I think your baby's size and heartbeat looked nice and strong. Hopefully you can find a lot of comfort and peace in that. I look forward to seeing all of your updates on baby Shack!

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  2. CandaceDecember 29, 2013 at 8:02 AM

    Amy, I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for you. May God give you unfathomable peace and comfort. Much love to you.

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    1. AmyDecember 29, 2013 at 4:01 PM

      Thank you Candace. I really am doing ok today. I know some days will be harder than others. But today is a decent day and I know it's because of all the prayer and support I have received. So thank you for being part of that support. It really does make a difference.

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  3. EmJanuary 10, 2014 at 5:19 PM

    Oh my goodness. I am just so, so sorry.

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