He hears...

I read this post this morning, and it calmed my soul. He hears us, He loves us, He is with us. Amen!!

http://www.hopeforthewearymom.com/2013/10/15/for-the-days-when-you-want-to-run-and-hide/

Settling in...

We have been in our new place for a little over a month and it is finally starting to feel like home. And, while we do miss daily interaction with Grandma and Papa, being a family of three has been fun. For the first time ever Titus is sleeping in his own room and it has been NICE!  He still seems to think that 4:30 AM is a great wake up time but I'm hoping once his 2 year molars finish coming in (only one has poked thru so far!) that maybe, just maybe, he will sleep to a more dignified hour, like say, 5?? :-) 

In FET news we are all set to go with our next cycle. I ordered my meds yesterday and now we just wait for that fateful cycle day one so I can call for my first appointment. I finally got the nerve up to ask the nurse what our remaining four embryos were graded at and she said they were all A's which is good, but that only two of them were actually at the blast stage. The other two were morulas (I think that's how you spell it) which is the stage just prior to a blast. They were all frozen on day 6, so I feel a little less hopefull.  But I am trying to just focus on the fact that they are real little people and that God already knows the outcome and number of their days, so I don't need to worry about it, right?! :-). I hate the emotional puddle that infertility can reduce me to. I want to have the faith and strength to say that God is good, and all things are possible. And that even if we aren't blessed with more children it's ok because God has a plan and His ways are perfect. But my flesh is weak and it says that things don't always work out, and that bad things happen all the time. And that I have already been blessed beyond measure, so how could I dare long for more? 

The internal battle can be draining, and the best part is I'm not even on any meds yet!!!! So yeah, I'm going to need a lot of prayer!

On a more positive note, two of my very best friends have just finished their first IVF cycles with Dr K and they are both now pregnant! Which is amazing news!! So I am just tickeled to think (dare I dream a little?) that we could all be prego together. But either way I should have two yummy newborns to snuggle this summer and that is so sweet. My heart is so full as I reflect on how good God has been and how he has used Titus to encourage others to pursue further treatment. It truely blows my mind. 

So I will keep snuggling my cutie and keep on reminding myself of these truths... He has been faithful. He has been with us. He will continue to be with us, no matter what our future holds. 

November it is!

We have decided that November is the month for our FET. I am excited, yet guarded. If that makes any sense. I wish we could do it sooner but in reality, November will be here in about two blinks of an eye. I was really hoping for October, but Ryan has out of town training for two weeks that month and he did not want to miss any of our appointments.  And our September is already crazy because we are moving. Yes, we are MOVING (and can I just say that I hate packing more that I can ever put into words!!!).

We might be a little crazy but, a year ago we sold our home and began a new adventure of paying off ALL of our debt. This adventure involved renting two rooms from my parents and putting almost all of our belongings in storage. It has been hard, but worth it. As of two weeks ago we have been able to pay off all but one BIG school loan (culinary school is no joke people!!). So we feel that now is a good time to get back out on our own. We are still in "live like no one else" mode but we are SO very excited to be on our own again. I cannot thank my parents enough for opening up their home to us!! It has been a tremendous blessing to us and we are so thankful.

So hopefully I can spend the next month and a half getting us all settled in to our new place.  That way I can be stress free for our FET in November! For now I'm still packing (grrr) but I'm dreaming of cooler weather, pumpkin spice EVERYTHING, and my frozen little babies that I have yet to meet!

Lack of Power

Last night in my county and portions of surrounding counties the POWER went out from about 7pm until 1:30 am. I found it was a great reminder to me that we NEED to slow down more, talk more and relax more (although in the heat was not my preference!).  

I pinned a quote this morning that said… God made a whole beautiful earth and decided to put you in it, to experience all of this beauty.  You can't do that watching television all the time. - Donald Miller…  

For me, TV is my relaxation, but it is a crutch I rely on way too much (while surfing the net on my phone, ridiculous I know, but I CAN'T stop!! LOL).  I feel the strong need to unplug more and more and yet I find it harder and harder to do.  No TV? Not check Facebook? Not surf Pinterest? No instagramming? Are you cray cray?!!?  And yet my craft box is full of crafts to finish, my kindle is full of books to read, and half the time I only "think" I talked to my husband about something.  SAD.  Something drastic must be done. My life feels very busy, but often it does not feel  FULL. Not well rounded. And I know that I can do better. I know that I need to do better. To use the time that I am given on this earth to make a difference, use my brain, express myself creatively. This is what God made us for, because in these types of activities He can be glorified. Our social media today is an example of how we long to be connected. But yet in a lot of ways it feels like it keeps everyone at arms length. 

So, what am I saying? Am I giving up my smart phone and my hulu account? Probably not. But I do think some refocusing is in order. Some brain growing, some soul searching, some goal setting and dare I say it... boundaries... Yikes! Lots to chew on folks, lots to chew on!  So, now that I've  rambled on way too long, let me ask you, how do YOU unplug?

Round 2...?

It really feels like a lifetime ago that we started IVF, it has been over two years so I guess that is quite a while. Where does the time go?  Titus is now 19 months and a true joy. I cannot imagine what having another baby would look like. I don't feel like I deserve one. I feel like I used up all my blessings and luck with Titus and somehow that makes me think that more kiddos aren't in our future. But I know that isn't scriptural or how God works. He gives and takes away, and our lives are about bringing glory to Him no matter where He leads us. We were blessed by Him before Titus, with Titus, and we are blessed with or without more children. Children are a blessing, but they are not THE blessing, they are one of many ways that God can bless us. 

All that to say that I think round two will feel very different. Having Titus makes this feel like a bonus round. Like even if it doesn't work, I won't walk away totally empty handed. And yet I truly love my four frozen little babies and I long to have them in my arms. In my head they are three boys and one girl and they have names waiting for them (well names that I would use, Hubs and I will definitely have to duke it out if that time ever comes). I don't know if I will ever get to hold them this side of heaven, but I pray that I do. 

So round 2 leaves me with so many mixed feelings. Feelings of... What if it doesn't work?... OMG, what if it does?... It's truely bittersweet, Titus brings a real reality to what our four little embryos represent. They are truely little lives waiting to get growing. I'm sorry that they are still frozen and waiting for us. I feel like we hit pause on their lives and I cannot wait for them to be out of limbo land. And yet that means that they might not "be" anymore. For now they feel safe, alive, and waiting. But once thawed the risk begins again. The reality of them possibly not making it is hard. But as their mother I need to rest in the fact that their days are predetermined by God and that He loves them even more than I do. 

So basically all that rambling to say that I finally made the call to our clinics office (it only took me like a week, I can't explain it but that first call is always hard for me). We can start the process any time just have to call on day one of my cycle. So now we just have to pick which month. Currently I'm voting for October and my husband is voting for December. Lol! Prayers for peace and comfort would be much appreciated. This is a wild ride and I can't believe we are about to get back on it. Wee-haw!!

It's not fair

After Titus fell asleep tonight I just held him and cried. Because it’s not fair that I have him, when so many are still waiting for their babies.  Because I’m so thankful for him.  Because he is more than I deserved.  Because he is a miracle (all babies are, but he’s my miracle).  

Infertility has been heavy on my heart... I'm having lunch this week with a friend who has been dealing with infertility for three years.  Another sweet friend of mine that I got to spend some time with last week has endured a failed IVF and two failed adoptions, they are not sure what their next steps will be.  One of my blog friends just found out her IVF was unsuccessful.  So much heartache.  And yet I get to rock my son to sleep tonight.  It's just not fair.  In my HEAD, I know God is faithful and is writing a beautiful story with each of their lives, that He is working even now in the midst of the pain and that the outcome will be better than anyone could have imagined.  But my HEART just hurts for my friends.  And I would do anything to make it all better. 

My little contribution to national infertility awareness week...

I have so enjoyed all the blog posts I've read this week regarding national infertility awareness week.  They have been inspiring, motivating and encouraging.  In honor of infertility awareness week I want to share the story of my laparoscopic surgery in 2010.  To me it’s a funny story, but it also shows just some of the crazy things that we do, all for the sake of getting pregnant someday.  So this one is for all my fellow “lab rats”, I hope you enjoy my story, it's not very serious or inspirational but I hope you will have at least one chuckle as you read it, because laughter really is some of the best medicine.  :)  

Our wonderful RE down south had reviewed my Hysterosalpinogram (HSG) (having that done probably deserves its own story, but I think one TMI story is enough for now!), he thought that one of my fallopian tubes looked kind of small and was concerned that it may not be functioning the right way.  He was also concerned that I might have endometriosis and recommended laparoscopic surgery so that he could “clean out” any endo, and check on the tube.

We drove down the night before my surgery to Thousand Oaks, and checked into our hotel.  We borrowed my father-in-laws Honda Accord so that we would have a bigger car and I would be more comfortable on the drive home after my surgery.  The drive down was uneventful and we had as restful of a night of sleep as anyone does the night before surgery. 

The next morning I was up early and hubs was a little irritated that I was so anxious to get to the hospital. He argued that the hospital was less than a 10 minute drive away and he was not interested in leaving “way too early” (have I mentioned he’s not a morning person?).  Anyway, we had to be there by 6:30am, and I wasn’t about to be late.  So, we headed downstairs just before 6 and got into the car only to realize that it would NOT START!  I’m trying not to freak out and neither of us is quite sure what to do.  I believe at one point my husband said to me, “well we could just start running, we’d probably get there in time”.  WHAT?!!, I was NOT going to run to the hospital!!  So we did what everyone does when they need a ride to the hospital, we called a taxi cab (to this day we still debate about who’s idea it was, but trust me, it was MY idea).  :)  It was the craziest thing to be driven to my surgery (just in the nick of time I might add) in a CAB!

We got to the hospital and got checked in.  Surgery went as smoothly as those things do and the next thing I know I’m waking up in the recovery room to a nurse telling me, “My, you get kind of emotional when you come out of anesthesia”.  Apparently I’d been crying, and I was now SO nauseated, that I’d rather die than go on living, so I’m sure I was just a joy to take care of.  They got me enough anti-nausea meds to finally feel like a human again, but they wouldn’t let me go home until I went pee.  I’d never had a catheter before but I was quickly finding out that it can be a challenge to “go” after having one.  I finally peed enough to get cut loose from that joint and we proceeded to take a cab back to the hotel.  :)  We had already checked out of our rooms but since our car wouldn’t start we didn’t really have anywhere else to go.  Have I mentioned yet that it’s December 23 and I just want to go home?  So I assure Ryan that he just needs to call AAA and get them down there to fix the car and I will just sit in the lobby and wait.  (He felt really bad and wanted to get a room for another night at the hotel so I’d have somewhere to wait, but I didn’t want to pay for a room to sit in!!)  I’m sure whoever saw me sitting in the lobby probably thought I had “issues” as I was still pretty drugged up after my fun morning surgery. 

Another hour or so went by and AAA had come and gotten the car started but said the battery was shot.  So we could drive it home as long as we didn’t ever stop and turn the car off on our way.  It’s only a three hour drive, shouldn’t be a big deal, right?

First “stop” of the drive home, the in and out drive thru (remember we can’t turn the car off).  I run inside to pee, because I’ve been pumped full of fluids and now I really gotta go.  But I must have had some weird side effect from the catheter because while I feel like I really gotta go, nothing really is coming out, just a tiny trickle.  Not good.  I give up and get back in the car to find that hubs ordered me a grilled cheese because, “I wasn’t supposed to have anything heavy”.  I will never eat a grilled cheese there again.  I’m sure they make a fine sandwich, but I could barely choke it down thanks to the dry mouth that I had from the pain and nausea meds.  :)  We drive for about an hour before I can’t take it anymore and I tell hubs to find the nearest gas station where I can try, yet again, to pee.  Gas station bathrooms are SO gross, but desperate times, call for desperate measures.  My problem continues however, and I can’t produce much more than a trickle, I know that the car is running (due to the bad battery) so I again give up and we get back out on the road.  We repeated this scenario several more times on the drive home and by the end of the trip I was functioning much more “normally” and I’m happy to report that the car made it all the way home and got a new battery the next day.

As a side note, my Dr reported that my fallopian tube was smaller (as the HSG had shown), but seemed to be fully functional which was good news, he also that my endo was between a stage 2 and a stage 3.  Not what I wanted to hear, but I did feel relieved that there was at least a reason for all of the pain that I had been in for so many years.

The “moral” to the story is that when dealing with infertility you have to find the humor in it when you can.  Ryan and I have enjoyed such a good laugh tonight as we reminisced about how crazy that day was and I hope it put a smile on your face too.  :)