Baby steps

Did my second beta this morning. I was anxious to hear the results and nervous about getting them at work. Prepared for the worst, I was shocked when the nurse called and said they had gone up to 60!!! Now that is still a very low number, but I can't believe it more than doubled!!  They are going to have me repeat the lab work on Monday to see how/if things are progressing. She said this could still be a miscarriage or it could be a pregnancy outside of my uterus which is why they will keep repeating the labs until they (Lord willing) get a number they are comfortable with. 

I feel like I should be really freaked out right now. But I am not. I'm just thankful. Thankful for another few days to be pregnant. Thankful to not get bad news right before thanksgiving (my favorite holiday). Thankful for all the people who are praying for me and loving on me. It's all God. I should be a mess. And it could all still end badly, and in that event I reserve the right to have a good cry and a glass of wine. But, for today it isn't over. And I will take that. 

"Blessed be the Lord, for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me when I was in a besieged city." (Psalm 31:21 ESV) 

This verse really ministered to me today. The 2WW (and now beyond) can really feel like "a besieged city". Stuck with no where to go, outcome unknown. But He is with us. Amen!

Down, but not quite out...

My hCG numbers from this morning were only a 24.  :(  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terribly bummed.  But, I am also not too surprised, the test from yesterday just wasn't as dark as I thought it should have been.  It's just amazing how hopeful you can still be even when you know its a long shot. 

Anyway, of course because it is technically positive they want me to continue my shots and do another blood draw on Wednesday in hopes that the numbers double.  I know that nothing is too hard for God and am praying for a miracle.  But I am also realistic and praying that I can maintain a positive/thankful attitude no matter the final outcome.  It's hard, seems like it'd be easier to just assume its over and move on, but then I feel like I'm failing them if I don't hope and pray my hardest for them to stay.  I don't want to give up on them.  They were/are here and they matter VERY much too me.  But my self preservation side feels like throwing in the towel today.  There just aren't any words.  Just super thankful for Titus today.  He seems like the biggest miracle ever right about now.

One more sleep!

My long awaited blood test is finally tomorrow!!!  I had cramping and bloating for about  week but then that all went away.  I still have occasional crampy pangs and twinges, but that's about it.  And now I have a head cold, so its really hard to tell if I have any symptoms, and honestly any that I could have can always be explained away by the progesterone and delestrogen shots that I am on. 

I caved and took a early response pregnancy test on Friday, which would have been 8dp6dt (I think? I always get confused on the counting of days after transfer!!).  But anyway, Friday's test was SO SO faint I think I willed a line to "be" there.  Ha!  I basically called it "not negative".  Yes, I'm that crazy person creating her own name for test results, gotta do what I can to cope, right?  Ryan of course agreed there was something there, but honestly, who am I kidding?  There was no way he was going to dare disagree with me. 

Saturdays test was slightly darker, not much, but I'm taking all the small victories I can get at this point.  This mornings was the darkest so far, no guessing, the line IS there, but it's not real dark and I feel like that is not super positive given that this is one of the more sensitive tests (supposedly reading 15-25 hCG).  But I'm just trying to enjoy the fact that today, I am pregnant, and I can deal with the blood test results when I get them.  I know that my first hCG with Titus came back at a 77, which isn't real high and he's now a happy, healthy toddler.  My hCG number also didn't double in 48 hours with Titus and I had to do follow up blood work a week later.  So while I am totally realistic and realize that I could have a low number and end up with a baby that doesn't "stick", I'm still hoping and praying that I just have a late implant-er with a slow start, like Titus was. 

I can also tell that people are praying for me.  And that is a wonderful feeling.  I have peace, I know I will be bummed if I don't get to meet these babies this side of heaven, but I know that God has a plan.  I'm reading the Hiding Place, by Corrie ten Boom and it has been a great distraction and a good read so far.  One of her quotes that I just love is, "Hold everything in your hands lightly, otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open."  How true, my children don't belong to me, my job is just to try and take one day at a time and be the best mama I can be for everyday that they are with me.  :)  SO MUCH EASIER SAID THAN DONE!!  But that is my goal and I'm trying my darnedest to stay focused on that.  I had a mini melt down on Thursday morning when I realized that my "symptoms" had been gone for more than a day.  And that was terrible, it got me nowhere, and only made me feel desperate and panicked.  So I am thankful that since then God has helped me to remain somewhat calm, because there is no way that I would be able to be calm on my own. 

Waiting...

Meet the two newest Wilson's!!  The top one is the "good" one the bottom one they said probably won't make it. However, I love an underdog, so of course, I'm crazily rooting for both of them.  I felt like they were giving me a challenge when they said the one probably wouldn't make it. Ha!  

Overall, I am thankful everything went smoothly and that they only had to thaw two. :-) Praying that they stick around for the long haul now! :-). I had a lot of cramping the first two and half days (I don't remember any cramping after our transfer with Titus). My first beta is Monday (11/25) and the wait is nervewracking!!  I go from being totally at peace with whatever happens to feeling like I'm losing the inner battle to stay positive and hopefull. I know we serve a big God and nothing is too hard for Him. But I also know that His ways aren't mine and His perfect plan for our family may not involve meeting these babies here on earth. So I wait, and I pray for them and I pray for us. That we would find peace and comfort no matter the outcome. And be able to walk forward with gratitude for what we do have and what we were able to attempt. 

My devotions this morning were about serving the purpose God put us here for. As God would have it the author of this mornings reading (they are different everyday in this study) has suffered several miscarriages and also lost a baby after it was born and she shared how all of them had a God given purpose that they had served. 

"And do you know, that even those fleeting little lives - those longed-for souls whose hearts beat for 212 days or less - they were on special assignment by Christ? That at the end of their lives, God said “Well Done. Mission Complete.” (and “PS, I’m still working on your Mama...”)" (She reads truth: 5 favorites)

Hello tears!  Thank you Lord for loving me enough to send me a sweet devotion that touched me right where I was at this morning. 

And then the big day was tomorrow...

Well, tomorrow is the big day. I have thought about and prayed about this day for almost three years. And while I am not ready to say goodbye to our embryos I am SO very ready to have at least two of them freed from frozen limbo land. My lining has been great at every check up so that has been encouraging. The one downer has been that Dr K said all four embryos were grade B, and I had previously been told (by a nurse) that they were grade A. But I know that ultimately that is just a letter. They are not God. They do not know what the future holds for our little ones. So I am choosing to be steadfast in my positive outlook. It will only help and should things not be successful then I will deal with those feelings then. 

We are leaving tonight so that we can be all settled in our hotel before the transfer and then we will stay for two more nights after the transfer, mostly for my peace of mind. I know that I should really try not to lift Titus and the easiest way to do that is to not have him be around me for those first couple of days. After that, all bets are off and I'm just praying that lifting my toddler doesn't have any negative side effects. (Regular people get pregnant everyday and they lift their toddlers, right??). Also, Titus has come down with a cold and a low grade fever so I am really praying that Ryan and I don't get it. It really threw a wrench in my child care plans because my sister in law did not want to risk getting her kids sick. *insert hormonal lady panic* Thankfully my awesome mom generously offered to take the time off of work (unpaid) so that she could watch him for us. When I came out of my initial panic I could once again see that this is just another way of God showing me just how much he loves me and cares about the small details in my life. 

He is good. No matter what. I am thankful. No matter what. And I am ever hopeful that He will infact pour out grace upon grace in our lives and bless us again. 

Again. 

That is such a sweet word to me today. I am a mommy. Those four little babies were given to us by God. And infertility, in all it's ugliness, can't change those facts. Ever. So even though I feel like a lab rat that has been poked one too many times. And trust me, I want to (and sometimes do) wallow in the "why me?'s" but I know in the end it won't change anything and it certainly won't help me. So instead I must choose gratitude for the life that I do have, for the hope of little lives waiting for us tomorrow, and the knowledge of a Savior that will carry us through this no matter how it plays out.