I need a plan

I'm not very type A. I'm not very organized. But I do like to know where I'm going. I don't do well with the unknown. I will always take bad news over no news. It's just part of what makes me tick. I am also still grieving. I am dealing with a pinched nerve/muscle thingy in my neck. I can't focus. I just want to sob but the tears won't come. I'm not getting enough sleep. All of these things are not helping. They are making everything harder. 

I know everyone wants to say, relax, don't think about it... Stop worrying. But it's not that simple. My babies are gone and I can't get them back. My neck hurts and I can't sleep. I know "God has a plan". But it's hard to find comfort in that when so far His plan has involved losing five embryos (one of them after 9 weeks of hoping that every thing would be ok). So yes, Gods got a plan. It doesn't mean that it doesn't involve pain. Or heartache or loss. It doesn't mean that I like His plan right now. I feel like Gods trying to break me, but I'm already broken. 

Our sweet dr has a plan for us. It involves some tests on me and then doing a mini IVF round. It's half the cost and a lot less meds. And he thinks we would be good candidates for mini IVF. But we don't know if we want to do it. If we did do it it would be several months from now. The several months part sounds really good. I do need a break. I just feel like I can't be on a break until I know what we are going to do. But decisions like these take time. So that's where I'm at, no plan. Just sitting here trying not to feel like a crazy person. Got to let it all go, but I don't know how. 

I hate infertility. 

No surprises...

Finally got the call. Beta was negative of course. Dr K wants to do a follow up with us in person on Saturday. And he also apparently wants to see about doing an MRI on my pelvis. I have no idea why? Kinda freaky. But anyway. Glad I at least avoided beta purgatory this time.   

I am truly bummed, last night was particularly hard. I always wanted a big family and it's hard to think that this 8 year journey is possibly over. I've spent three years praying and hoping and wishing that those embryos would make it when the time came to use them. And now they are gone.  

I am praying Dr K will have some sort of insight to give us. Maybe some treatment options to pray about, or just clarity that this chapter in our lives is, in fact, over. 

There aren't any easy answers folks. Just a hope that ultimately this world is not our home, and that God is still good, and still with us. 

Everything is coming up negative....

No positive HPTs this cycle. :(

I tested Thursday, Friday and today.... Totally negative. And you know I'm good at finding that second line if it's there!! Lol. Anyway, I'm ok I guess.  Devistated, but somehow, I haven't even cried when they come up negative. Just another sign to me that I am not pregnant, coz normally I am way more emotional at this point. I mean, don't get me wrong, I've had a few melt downs later in the day, but I thought I would be doing a lot worse. I think I honesty couldn't believe I'd be lucky enough to have two successful pregnancies, so maybe that's why it's not a shock.  And maybe "lucky enough" is the wrong wording. Just a dream of mine that seems too big to ever achieve??  I dunno. 

I'm also fairly competitive so I hate to go out on a down note, ya know? And I don't want infertility to "win", which again, is a ridiculous way to look at it!! Lol. And I miss my little frozen embryos. I had hopes and dreams for them, they were very real to me, and I miss them.  I've spent the last three years hoping that I would get to meet them.  And if will alone was enough, then I'm quite certain they would have made it. That is how badly I wanted them to live. But I am thankful that my babies are no longer frozen. That always bothered me a lot. So at least that weight is lifted.  

I know that I have a lot to be thankful for and I'm enjoying the toddler/preschool age with Titus right now. Oddly enough he has been requesting to be wrapped up in his blanket and rocked to sleep the last four nights which has been hugely comforting to me. So I know that God is still there and loves me, even if this didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.  

I don't feel like I'm done trying, I'm not that old really, and I'd always pictured our family being bigger. But when I think about starting all over with IVF, or pursuing donated embryos, it seems so overwhelming (and I don't think I could convince Ryan anyways). So for now I think we will just be taking an indefinite break. I'd love to do foster/adopt once we have a house again. But, for now it's not really anything I can plan on. We aren't in a place to even consider it, since we are still renting, and I think it will be more healthy for me to just to try and put future children out of my mind for a while and just enjoy the family that I do have. 

So for now I have three more shots to do (two tonight, and one more tomorrow). Ugh. For some reason they hurt SO bad this time. We should be pros by now, and I've never had the lumps and brusing like I've had this time. Anyway, once I get the official beta results on Monday (12dp 6dt), I'm looking forward to a Venti CAFFEINATED latte, and being able to workout again.  

Life is going to look different than I'd hoped. But I don't want that to be a negative thing. I just have to redefine my dream. And that isn't going to happen overnight (I don't think) but I do think it is possible. God and time are great healers. So I'm just going to keep bringing my mangled heart to Him, and trust that over time it will get easier.