I tested Thursday, Friday and today.... Totally negative. And you know I'm good at finding that second line if it's there!! Lol. Anyway, I'm ok I guess. Devistated, but somehow, I haven't even cried when they come up negative. Just another sign to me that I am not pregnant, coz normally I am way more emotional at this point. I mean, don't get me wrong, I've had a few melt downs later in the day, but I thought I would be doing a lot worse. I think I honesty couldn't believe I'd be lucky enough to have two successful pregnancies, so maybe that's why it's not a shock. And maybe "lucky enough" is the wrong wording. Just a dream of mine that seems too big to ever achieve?? I dunno.
I'm also fairly competitive so I hate to go out on a down note, ya know? And I don't want infertility to "win", which again, is a ridiculous way to look at it!! Lol. And I miss my little frozen embryos. I had hopes and dreams for them, they were very real to me, and I miss them. I've spent the last three years hoping that I would get to meet them. And if will alone was enough, then I'm quite certain they would have made it. That is how badly I wanted them to live. But I am thankful that my babies are no longer frozen. That always bothered me a lot. So at least that weight is lifted.
I know that I have a lot to be thankful for and I'm enjoying the toddler/preschool age with Titus right now. Oddly enough he has been requesting to be wrapped up in his blanket and rocked to sleep the last four nights which has been hugely comforting to me. So I know that God is still there and loves me, even if this didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.
I don't feel like I'm done trying, I'm not that old really, and I'd always pictured our family being bigger. But when I think about starting all over with IVF, or pursuing donated embryos, it seems so overwhelming (and I don't think I could convince Ryan anyways). So for now I think we will just be taking an indefinite break. I'd love to do foster/adopt once we have a house again. But, for now it's not really anything I can plan on. We aren't in a place to even consider it, since we are still renting, and I think it will be more healthy for me to just to try and put future children out of my mind for a while and just enjoy the family that I do have.
So for now I have three more shots to do (two tonight, and one more tomorrow). Ugh. For some reason they hurt SO bad this time. We should be pros by now, and I've never had the lumps and brusing like I've had this time. Anyway, once I get the official beta results on Monday (12dp 6dt), I'm looking forward to a Venti CAFFEINATED latte, and being able to workout again.
Life is going to look different than I'd hoped. But I don't want that to be a negative thing. I just have to redefine my dream. And that isn't going to happen overnight (I don't think) but I do think it is possible. God and time are great healers. So I'm just going to keep bringing my mangled heart to Him, and trust that over time it will get easier.
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