2014

I have never been more conflicted about a new year than I am this year. I typically like the New Years holiday. I love a fresh start. A clean slate. I also enjoy reflecting on the past year and remembering all that has happened. Even during our five years of IF with no child I can remember always being glad that another year was behind us. Because surely the next one would be better. 

But this year, something about thinking that 2013 is over just makes me want to cry. I think it's because I'm still very much in the middle of trying to process all that has happened in the last nine weeks. Because in reality it was really a pretty great year. We paid off a ton of debt. We survived living with my parents for a full year (and got our own place again in September). We have had the privilege of another year with Titus and are enjoying him more and more every day. I mean babies are great, I am for sure a baby person. But I'm finding that toddlers are an all out blast and that has been so fun. (They are also messy, and cranky, and sometimes down right hostile, but still SO much fun!). So again, it has been a great year. The part of me that wants to kick and scream and cry and refuse to turn the page to a new year is the part of me that holds the last nine weeks as sacred. As the only time on this earth when this little baby Wilson was an active part of our story. So to move to a new year just seems so final. Like it's definitely over and I don't get to take this baby with me. My life will move forward. And our baby is not going to be moving forward with us. 2014 has already let me down, because it already looks a lot different than I thought it would a week ago. I know I have to find a way to come to terms with this. But the sentimental mommy in me just wants to stay in 2013 forever. Because 2013 was a good year and even had a new baby in it, and at this point 2014 does not. 

So hear I sit. Knowing, even in my sadness, that 2014 can't be all bad.  (And the optimist in me can't wait to see what's in store for us.) I pray that this year holds more happiness than tears, and that God continues to use the hard things in life to refine me and make me more like Him. I pray that He will give me the courage to keep moving forward and to live the life that He has given me, even if it looks different than I thought it was going to.

And just like that, it was over...

We had our second ultrasound yesterday. The last one before "graduating" to a regular OB. The last one. I had struggled a lot with fear this time, but the last few days had been so much more peaceful. So, I was really hopeful that all was well and looking forward to seeing our baby wriggling on the screen, with arms and little legs. Instead Dr Hubert searched and searched. Ultimately he found nothing but a small sac with no baby in it. 

I should be almost 9 weeks. I should be having a baby this summer. Giving my son a sibling. Instead I am empty. Left trying to search for a way to honor a life I never met, a baby I will never hold on this earth. What do you do to remember them? All of them. The ones that didn't make it to blast.  The ones that didn't implant. The ones who were growing, but then for some reason stopped. How? Little lives that only I will probably ever remember or feel much of a connection to. My heart is broken. 

They sent me home with meds to induce a miscarriage. I could have just waited it out, but my mom has Titus and I just wanted to try and get thru the worst of the physical part this weekend, while I'm off work. I keep praying that God would be merciful to me and allow my body to do what it needs to do without complications. So far I'm doing ok and it hasn't been too painful. And for that I am thankful. 

I know ultimately I will be ok. My heart will heal and I will be stronger for this. Infertility is SO ugly and I refuse to let it rob me of my joy perminantly. I want to live in a place where what I already have is more than enough. Where just Jesus is enough. I'm not there yet, but it is my goal.  We have two more babies waiting, and we will go back for them soon. Just not exactly sure when right now. I want to make sure I'm in a good place mentally.

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Baby mine, you got the best end of this deal. While I sit here crying, you are rejoicing with Jesus. Your body is perfect and you are truly in the best place anyone could ever imagine. I pray that you know just how loved and wanted you were. Heaven got so much sweeter to me yesterday when I realized that you were there already. I am not ready to say goodbye to you. But I look forward to holding you (and all your siblings that haven't made it) for the first time in heaven. 

Love always,

Mommy

Merry Christmas!!

Wishing Christmas blessings for you and yours!!!

Love, 

Amy

8 weeks

Here we are at 8 weeks!!! I can't believe it. In fact nothing about all of this seems very real (except for the fact that my pants are barely fitting!!). I feel great. My only symptoms are being tired, and getting slightly nauseated if I get too hungry. I know I didn't get real sick with Titus, but I seem to think I "felt" more pregnant than I do this time. Which makes me worried if I think about it too much.  I am looking forward to our ultrasound on Friday and praying that baby Wilson is still growing away in there. I am embarrassed that I am so worried about it.  I know God is in control it's just getting the knowledge from my head to my heart. 

Staying busy has really helped, so I am very thankful that Christmas is this week. All of the festivities should be a lot of fun with Titus this year (last year he just didn't quite get it). This year he loves all the lights and has redecorated the lower half of our tree several times!! It is so fun when we drive by a well lit house and he exclaims, "oh, WOW!".  Yesterday we went to a really cute Christmas tree farm about 40 minutes away. They have a 5" scale steam train that you can ride!  Titus is VERY into trains right now so he had a blast. 

I finished wrapping everything last night and just have a few things left to put together for the day itself. And of course I still have some yummy baking to do!  So I'm pretty confident the next few days will fly by. :-)

Wishing everyone a VERY merry Christmas!

Amy

Crazy Crafter!

So in an effort to stay busy and also finish up some holiday projects I got busy this past weekend!!

First up, our Christmas ornaments for this year!!

They were really easy to make and also, not breakable!! Which is a big PLUS if you have a toddler snooping around in your tree! :-) I got the free pattern and instructions here. 

Next up, I finally made Titus a name blanket. 

I have enjoyed making these as baby gifts for a while now, but never got around to making one for Titus (mom fail!). So since he's almost two, I made it a little bigger (1.5 yds of fabric instead of just 1 yd) and I used Cars themed flannel for the back of the blanket since that is one of his favorite cartoons.  I don't use a specific tutorial for these just kind of my take on the minky blankets with an applique name. 

Lastly, I realized this year, while unpacking our Christmas decor that Titus didn't have a stocking!! (Another mom fail, coz this is his second Christmas!!!). So I found a cute tutorial here and got busy. 

Whew!  I wish I had more time to sew, it is so therapeutic for me.  :)  But between working part-time and chasing a busy toddler it is hard to squeeze it in.  So this past weekend was a great reminder to me that I need to make time for sewing more often.  :)

Words of Truth

'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.' -Isaiah 41:10 

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. (Psalm 139:13, 14 ESV)

Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. (Psalm 139:16 ESV)

As I've struggled with fear and doubts this pregnancy, the words above have been a balm to my weary soul.  I told Ryan I felt liked I was way more worried and scared this time around, and he laughed at me!! So apparently I have blocked out some of my last pregnancy. The truth is I think it just all seems scarier when you are in the middle of it. 

I love that Christmas is next week and I'm meditating on the words and verses above, and remembering to be thankful for what I have today, instead of worried about tomorrow. Sorry if this all sounds like a broken record. (Trust me I feel like one sometimes!) I just need to put it all out there. Seeing both worries and truths in writing makes the truths more powerful, and the fear less overwhelming. So if you are still reading thanks for sticking with me. And if you have a favorite verse that calms your soul, please share!! 

The adventure continues...

Well we saw one beautiful heartbeat! Baby Wilson is measuring about one week behind but Dr Kumar isn't concerned because he assumed with my low hCG numbers that the baby implanted late. I cannot even put into words how nervous I was waiting for the appointment today.  I just really didn't have a feeling either way about how the appointment would go. In fact I think I'm still in shock that we got such good news. I know it's all still very early but we are praising God that we have passed another milestone and we go back in two weeks for another ultrasound.  The only bummer is my doctor will be on vacation then. So I will have to see a different dr. :-(. 

I told Dr K today that I has just been extra worried coz my hCH had started out SO low. But he quickly assured me that he has seen a hCG start out as low as 7 and the patient had a healthy baby. So anything really is possible. I think I will forever remember this Christmas season as one of miracles. I can't even really think about this baby without crying happy tears. I never thought I'd get the chance to be a mom and realizing that I might get to be one AGAIN is almost more than my heart can bear (in a good way). So if you are out there tonight praying for your miracle (whatever that may look like for you) KEEP praying, keep believing, and TRUST that whatever God has planned for you, it will be wonderful. 

Ya gotta love dads...

Interesting fact about me, I'm a PK (preachers kid), my dad was an assistant pastor for 20 years.  He has since "retired" from that and has a "regular" job now.  But once a pastor, always a pastor and he is always so great at encouraging me with biblical truths.  He sent me the following email last week and I just wanted to share a portion of it it here. 

You will find peace in trusting Him and focusing on his awareness of your desires.  Every time we are stretched to seek the Lord and trust His wisdom we grow more towards what ultimately he wants in our lives – which is a life surrendered unto Him and in full assurance.  God is good to Israel and he is good to you.  

 

Pro 3:5-6

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
    and do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge him,
    and he will make straight your paths.

 

Dad

I'm so very thankful for all of the support I have received throughout this transfer.  I have been so blessed.  But I'm not going to lie, I'm still super nervous about tomorrow.  Scared they won't find a baby in there.  Scared that there won't be a heartbeat and that I won't be able to hold it together.  Scared that I will have to have a d&c.  (How's that for positive thinking??)  My mind really has run away from me a few times over the last few days and I'm getting my monies worth out of my night guard, (it keeps me from grinding my teeth while I sleep, which is what I do when I'm stressed).  But I know that God is in control and that my babies (Titus and this new little one) belong to Him.  Not me.  And that is a hard, but beautiful truth.  All along the way there are new things to worry about, as a parent it never ends.  So at some point we have to just let it go, right?  To know that any "control" we have is just all in our minds anyway.  Whew.  I stink at this.  Lord help me, coz  I need it!!! I want to be like you Lord, I want to be molded into the person you want me to be, I'm just scared of the process.  And I shouldn't be.  I have a good Father in heaven, who wants me to grow and be surrendered to Him.  And He is with me and He loves me SO very much.  Those are the things I NEED to focus on.  Not the "what ifs", and the "what will I dos?".  So glad that He is faithful, even when I am faithless.   

Nerves...

I think that this week may never end!!!  I am just a bundle of nerves waiting to see if baby Wilson is doing ok in there. But on the flip side I'm so happy to be pregnant again and I know that could all end on Friday, so a good part of me never wants Friday to get here. I just want to keep living in my happy land. 

According to the IVF due date calendar I'm 6 weeks 2 days today.  Still not much to report on the symptoms front. Just extra gaggy, with a little bit of nausea and tired. I am so thankful for every day with this baby and I pray that he or she gets to live a long life and die old and gray in their sleep after I am long gone (in a perfect world, right?). I know that Gods ways are not ours and I don't know what the future holds but I feel like (when I stop and listen) God just keeps speaking to my heart, "I've got this."  Not in a, everything's going to be fine and you will have a happy, healthy baby, kind of way. But more in a He is going to take care of me no matter what happens, kind of way. So I am trying to capture those anxious thoughts and surrender my heart to Jesus, because I know He can take care of it. But it is not easy. And I am far from good at it. Just a big ole work in progress I guess. 

In other news I have now had to give myself my progesterone shot for the second time this cycle!!! Ekk! Those needles are big and it is ackward trying to twist and give yourself a shot in the hip. I had to laugh the first time it happened because my sister was over and she sweetly said, "I'd really like to help you, but I can't" and then proceeded to hide in the living room until I was done. Lol. I could never ask anyone to give me a shot, it's just too much to ask.  Ryan usually does it for me every night and he's really good at it and it rarely hurts. But law enforcement is a rough job and criminals never seem to sleep, therefore he's had a lot of overtime. And twice now it's resulted in me dosing myself up! Ha! However, I always feel like I can take on the world when I'm done!!! :-). So watch out everyone, I'm hormonal AND I can give myself injections!! 

5 weeks 6 days

Well I'm trucking along over here. One week out from our first ultrasound and although I get anxious at times I am doing much better than I thought I would. I haven't had much in the way of symptoms but I try and remind myself that 1) it's early and 2) with low (super low in my case) hCG numbers my pregnancy symptoms are going to take even longer to show up. So far what I've noticed in the last few days is that I can small EVERYTHING, and I am very tired. But we were up late a couple nights in a row so it's hard to know if I'm truly super tired or just sleep deprived. Also, today is my first day dealing with nausea. It's stuck around all day so I am hopeful that it is pregnancy related. (I feel kind of twisted hoping that my nausea sticks around, but such is the life of an IFer!!). 

The waiting game is SO hard, but I'm trying to take comfort in my teeny tiny symptoms and choosing to believe that they are baby Wilson related. I wish my tummy had a little window, or some sort of indicator as to how things are going in there. I also almost wish I was having one more beta test done. (But only almost, I'm convinced that waiting for the phone call with the results is bad for my health!!). Anyhow, that's my update for now. Hopefully some Christmas decorating will be a welcome distraction. :-)

Happy weekend!!

Hope is alive and well...

Had to wait till almost 3 today for my third beta results. I seriously thought I was going to lose my mind!!  But the nurse finally called and said, everything looks great. To which I responded, "what do you mean?"  She replied that my number went up to 369, which was great. She said the numbers started out low but that everything seems to be progressing correctly and that the next step is an ultrasound. What a ride. I can't believe I made it to the next "level". I was beginning to think I was going to be stuck in beta hell forever! LOL. 

Now comes the tricky part. Trusting and trying to enjoy the next two weeks. I feel like the low numbers are going to haunt me for a bit. But I don't want them too. I don't know how long I will be pregnant for. I don't know if I will ever be pregnant again. So I don't want to waste this time worrying. God has been SO faithful to get us this far and my prayer is that I can let Him have each and every worry. He can clearly handle this much better than I can. 

Ok, now I need to package up the four pumpkin cheesecakes I baked while trying to distract myself today!! Oh and order more meds!!