Babies on board!

The newest Wilson's!!! 

Transfer is complete!! Both survived the thaw, but unfortunately neither one looked very good. Dr Kumar said that one (the top one) definitely looked a little better than the other. The embryologist said the damage to them was due to the slow freezing process (which they no longer use). I'm bummed, and a few tears have been shed, but I'm just trying to remember that nothing is too hard for God. I'm praying that God breathes life into their little cells. 

The actual transfer was kind of crazy this time. Dr Kumar could not get the catheter in the right place during the mock transfer and had to end up using a metal catheter that he could thread a smaller catheter through. I have never had any issues before during a transfer so it was all a little unnerving (and painful!). But he assured me that each transfer is different and he thought maybe my bladder was just a tad too full. Ultimately he was very pleased with the embryo placement, so at least that was reassuring. My beta is on 3/10, and of course I usually start taking HPTs 8dpt. 

To my last two little loves... I am praying so very hard that you stick around and I hope that no matter what you will somehow know how very loved and wanted you are. 

Overdue update!

Sorry I've dropped the ball this time on the updates!! Everything has been going so so fast this time!  Here are the highlights....

At my second lining check, my lining was already at 19!!! Yikes!  The nurse said she's never seen it that thick, but that it wasn't a bad thing, just needed to be over 8 prior to transfer. She then flipped through my chart and said that it looked like I always have thick lining. It was a 16, the appointment before Titus was transferred, and an 18 the appointment before August baby was transferred. But she noted that I'd never had lining that thick, that early, or ever during an ARTs cycle. Well, of course it weirded me out to be outside of the norm (funny how we all just want to be "normal", right?). So I did what every "normal" person would do and consulted Dr Google (big mistake). I google a lot. I work as an assistant planner writing environmental docs like MNDs and EIRs, have I lost you yet? So, before you assume that I spend my days on my high horse saving squirrels and kit fox, let me just state that I'm a pretty conservative gal (married to a cop so yeah know, I believe in that whole, right to bear arms thing, etc), these documents are supposed to be disclosure documents written from an unbiased opinion. Basically we have to find out what the county/city standards are and make sure that the new project complies with those standards and any state or federal laws. Basically like writing a big term paper. BORING, I know, but it pays the bills and I can work part time and even from home if needed. Ok, so back to googling, as a planner I google a lot. In fact I consider myself somewhat of a professional googler. :-). So when I googled "thick lining" and hardly anything pertinate came up, that was a red flag to me. It seems that thin lining is the predominate problem out there. I did find a few things and it was all pretty split. Some said lining could never be too thick others said you don't want it over a 16 or 18. Ok, so here is where I started to panic a little. 

But wait, there is more...  I've been working out several days a week since January, and I think it's been helpful in keeping my anxity low-ish and I've been sleeping better (for some reason the delestrogen seems to screw with my normally good sleeping pattern). Anyway, I did a legs/abs work out that night. And then I started spotting. I've never spotted before a transfer. But here I was with bright red spotting that lasted for a couple hours. Ugh. Now I was in full on panic mode and once again, google didn't have a lot to say about it. This was a Saturday. I called Sunday morning and left a message for a nurse to call me back, which they usually do, but for some reason no one did. Monday I finally got a hold of a nurse and she said that it was still early enough in the cycle that everything was probably fine. But she did say that my lining was pretty darn thick and that sometimes that can cause bleeding and that fluid in the uterus is bad. So, if they saw any on my next ultrasound they would probably cancel this cycle. She also said to call her if I had any more bleeding. 

Whomp, whomp, whomp!

I spent the rest of the week thinking that they were probably going to cancel my transfer. I was bummed. But good news was that I had not had any more spotting.  This past Saturday was my last lining check and low and behold it was "perfect", no fluid and measuring at 18. Somehow I'd managed to think it was going to be a crazy number like 24 or something. So transfer was definitely a GO!!  

Today at 10:30, I will get to meet our last two littles. I'm overjoyed and a little sad that these are our last two. I can't help but wonder if this is the last time I will ever have a real chance at being pregnant. But, I try not to linger on that thought for too long. Mostly I'm just trying to focus on the joy of getting to be pregnant again, even if it's just for a few hours.  I pray that they survive the thaw.  I pray that God breathes life into their little cells and that they snuggle in and GROW!! I pray that I would have the privilege of meeting them again in nine months. And I also pray that God would give me the strength to face whatever comes next. 

Here we go again...

Well, we decided to take the plunge and jump right back in for FET #2. Cycle day one was on Thursday and my first appointment was yesterday. Everything looked great and was a "go" so we started the delestrogen shots last night. Thankfully all our apointments will be on Saturdays up until our transfer which should be on the 27th. 

I am suprised at how excited I am about this FET. It will be our last one most likely, as these are our last two embryos, so I anticipated being much more nervous about it. (And it's early, I may still freak out over the next few weeks, but for now I'm just thankful to feel excited and calm). I can't wait to get to "meet" these last two little ones, and I am so excited about the possibility of getting to be pregnant again. I am praying for God to prepare my heart for whatever is in store for us. I am also praying that if I do get pregnant that my hCG numbers would be much higher and that I would be SICK. After losing our August baby, it would be very nice to have the reassurance of good numbers and symptoms. 

Blessings,

Amy

What infertility has taught me about life...

I suppose I should have titled this, what infertility has taught me about life so far. Because I definitely don't think I'm done learning by any means. But I digress. So here it is the things I've learned so far:

1.  God is close to the brokenhearted. 

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18 ESV) This verse has been my mantra of late. But it really is true, and when I look back on my life, the times when I was especially broken are often the sweetest times for me spiritually. I wish it wasn't that way.  I wish that the good times were as pivotal and growth inducing as the bad times.

2.  Perseverance is the stuff great mommies are made of. Motherhood is no joke. It's wonderful, amazing and everything I'd ever dreamed it would be. But it is also the hardest job I've ever had. And I am thankful for all the years I longed to be a mom and had to keep getting back up after infertility knocked me down, because I know it has made me a better mother. And I'm not saying that you have to experience infertility to he a good mom, I'm just saying that for ME personally, it has made me a better mommy.

3.  Dreams can change. And plans can change. Our journey has felt very "windy". We first went to ARTs, then looked into domestic infant adoption, then took all the foster/adopt classes for adopting thru our county, only to turn around and do IVF. And our story isn't over yet. We may be a family of three when the dust settles (and that is definitely a lot different than I originally pictured things) or we could still fost/adopt or pursue embryo adoption or even do another round of IVF. The truth is I really don't know at this point and that's ok. These are decisions that everyone has to make as an individual couple, based on their family and what they feel that God is leading THEM to do. There is no set right and wrong in this. Which is what makes it both tricky and beautiful. Tricky, because it's hard to know WHAT to do, and beautiful because it's so sweet to see the unique ways God builds families.

4.  Everyone's journey is unique to them.  Just as grief is different for each individual, so is infertility.  The way we each process infertility can vary greatly. I actually think that there are a lot of similarities, but maybe the "stages" end up in different orders.

5.  God does not waste the hurt. He uses the difficult situations in our lives to grow us and make us more like HIM.  I believe he also uses our trials and circumstances to prepare us for things later on.  I'm not saying that I will face something worse than IF later (although that is entirely possible), I'm just saying that I believe God uses everything in our lives to shape us into the person He wants us to be.  And our struggles give us the opportunity to reach out and minister to others in similar situations.  I find SO much comfort and healing in being able to reach out to others and encourage/pray for them.  It blows my mind when I can look back and think of the dear friends I never would have met if it weren't for my infertility journey. 

6.  God does give us the desires of our heart. Sometimes the desire just needs a little (or a lot) of refining and/or redefining. It's a prayer that I am learning to pray...  Lord, this is where I'm at today, my heart is longing for another baby, but it is also longing for You to give me a desire for what You have for me.  Open my eyes and heart to see my life through Your eyes.  Give me a heart that longs for the things that You would have for me.

7.  What happens to us changes us, but it doesn't have to define us.  I think I have the tendency to forget that I am first and foremost a child of God.  A follower of Christ.  That is the only thing that needs to define me.  Everything else in life that happens to me is a part of my story, but it's not "who I am".

That is my list so far.  I'm sure that there will be more I can add over the coming years.
What are some of the things that infertility has taught you? 

Blessings,
Amy