2014

I have never been more conflicted about a new year than I am this year. I typically like the New Years holiday. I love a fresh start. A clean slate. I also enjoy reflecting on the past year and remembering all that has happened. Even during our five years of IF with no child I can remember always being glad that another year was behind us. Because surely the next one would be better. 

But this year, something about thinking that 2013 is over just makes me want to cry. I think it's because I'm still very much in the middle of trying to process all that has happened in the last nine weeks. Because in reality it was really a pretty great year. We paid off a ton of debt. We survived living with my parents for a full year (and got our own place again in September). We have had the privilege of another year with Titus and are enjoying him more and more every day. I mean babies are great, I am for sure a baby person. But I'm finding that toddlers are an all out blast and that has been so fun. (They are also messy, and cranky, and sometimes down right hostile, but still SO much fun!). So again, it has been a great year. The part of me that wants to kick and scream and cry and refuse to turn the page to a new year is the part of me that holds the last nine weeks as sacred. As the only time on this earth when this little baby Wilson was an active part of our story. So to move to a new year just seems so final. Like it's definitely over and I don't get to take this baby with me. My life will move forward. And our baby is not going to be moving forward with us. 2014 has already let me down, because it already looks a lot different than I thought it would a week ago. I know I have to find a way to come to terms with this. But the sentimental mommy in me just wants to stay in 2013 forever. Because 2013 was a good year and even had a new baby in it, and at this point 2014 does not. 

So hear I sit. Knowing, even in my sadness, that 2014 can't be all bad.  (And the optimist in me can't wait to see what's in store for us.) I pray that this year holds more happiness than tears, and that God continues to use the hard things in life to refine me and make me more like Him. I pray that He will give me the courage to keep moving forward and to live the life that He has given me, even if it looks different than I thought it was going to.

And just like that, it was over...

We had our second ultrasound yesterday. The last one before "graduating" to a regular OB. The last one. I had struggled a lot with fear this time, but the last few days had been so much more peaceful. So, I was really hopeful that all was well and looking forward to seeing our baby wriggling on the screen, with arms and little legs. Instead Dr Hubert searched and searched. Ultimately he found nothing but a small sac with no baby in it. 

I should be almost 9 weeks. I should be having a baby this summer. Giving my son a sibling. Instead I am empty. Left trying to search for a way to honor a life I never met, a baby I will never hold on this earth. What do you do to remember them? All of them. The ones that didn't make it to blast.  The ones that didn't implant. The ones who were growing, but then for some reason stopped. How? Little lives that only I will probably ever remember or feel much of a connection to. My heart is broken. 

They sent me home with meds to induce a miscarriage. I could have just waited it out, but my mom has Titus and I just wanted to try and get thru the worst of the physical part this weekend, while I'm off work. I keep praying that God would be merciful to me and allow my body to do what it needs to do without complications. So far I'm doing ok and it hasn't been too painful. And for that I am thankful. 

I know ultimately I will be ok. My heart will heal and I will be stronger for this. Infertility is SO ugly and I refuse to let it rob me of my joy perminantly. I want to live in a place where what I already have is more than enough. Where just Jesus is enough. I'm not there yet, but it is my goal.  We have two more babies waiting, and we will go back for them soon. Just not exactly sure when right now. I want to make sure I'm in a good place mentally.

----------------------------------------------

Baby mine, you got the best end of this deal. While I sit here crying, you are rejoicing with Jesus. Your body is perfect and you are truly in the best place anyone could ever imagine. I pray that you know just how loved and wanted you were. Heaven got so much sweeter to me yesterday when I realized that you were there already. I am not ready to say goodbye to you. But I look forward to holding you (and all your siblings that haven't made it) for the first time in heaven. 

Love always,

Mommy

Merry Christmas!!

Wishing Christmas blessings for you and yours!!!

Love, 

Amy

8 weeks

Here we are at 8 weeks!!! I can't believe it. In fact nothing about all of this seems very real (except for the fact that my pants are barely fitting!!). I feel great. My only symptoms are being tired, and getting slightly nauseated if I get too hungry. I know I didn't get real sick with Titus, but I seem to think I "felt" more pregnant than I do this time. Which makes me worried if I think about it too much.  I am looking forward to our ultrasound on Friday and praying that baby Wilson is still growing away in there. I am embarrassed that I am so worried about it.  I know God is in control it's just getting the knowledge from my head to my heart. 

Staying busy has really helped, so I am very thankful that Christmas is this week. All of the festivities should be a lot of fun with Titus this year (last year he just didn't quite get it). This year he loves all the lights and has redecorated the lower half of our tree several times!! It is so fun when we drive by a well lit house and he exclaims, "oh, WOW!".  Yesterday we went to a really cute Christmas tree farm about 40 minutes away. They have a 5" scale steam train that you can ride!  Titus is VERY into trains right now so he had a blast. 

I finished wrapping everything last night and just have a few things left to put together for the day itself. And of course I still have some yummy baking to do!  So I'm pretty confident the next few days will fly by. :-)

Wishing everyone a VERY merry Christmas!

Amy

Crazy Crafter!

So in an effort to stay busy and also finish up some holiday projects I got busy this past weekend!!

First up, our Christmas ornaments for this year!!

They were really easy to make and also, not breakable!! Which is a big PLUS if you have a toddler snooping around in your tree! :-) I got the free pattern and instructions here. 

Next up, I finally made Titus a name blanket. 

I have enjoyed making these as baby gifts for a while now, but never got around to making one for Titus (mom fail!). So since he's almost two, I made it a little bigger (1.5 yds of fabric instead of just 1 yd) and I used Cars themed flannel for the back of the blanket since that is one of his favorite cartoons.  I don't use a specific tutorial for these just kind of my take on the minky blankets with an applique name. 

Lastly, I realized this year, while unpacking our Christmas decor that Titus didn't have a stocking!! (Another mom fail, coz this is his second Christmas!!!). So I found a cute tutorial here and got busy. 

Whew!  I wish I had more time to sew, it is so therapeutic for me.  :)  But between working part-time and chasing a busy toddler it is hard to squeeze it in.  So this past weekend was a great reminder to me that I need to make time for sewing more often.  :)

Words of Truth

'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.' -Isaiah 41:10 

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. (Psalm 139:13, 14 ESV)

Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. (Psalm 139:16 ESV)

As I've struggled with fear and doubts this pregnancy, the words above have been a balm to my weary soul.  I told Ryan I felt liked I was way more worried and scared this time around, and he laughed at me!! So apparently I have blocked out some of my last pregnancy. The truth is I think it just all seems scarier when you are in the middle of it. 

I love that Christmas is next week and I'm meditating on the words and verses above, and remembering to be thankful for what I have today, instead of worried about tomorrow. Sorry if this all sounds like a broken record. (Trust me I feel like one sometimes!) I just need to put it all out there. Seeing both worries and truths in writing makes the truths more powerful, and the fear less overwhelming. So if you are still reading thanks for sticking with me. And if you have a favorite verse that calms your soul, please share!! 

The adventure continues...

Well we saw one beautiful heartbeat! Baby Wilson is measuring about one week behind but Dr Kumar isn't concerned because he assumed with my low hCG numbers that the baby implanted late. I cannot even put into words how nervous I was waiting for the appointment today.  I just really didn't have a feeling either way about how the appointment would go. In fact I think I'm still in shock that we got such good news. I know it's all still very early but we are praising God that we have passed another milestone and we go back in two weeks for another ultrasound.  The only bummer is my doctor will be on vacation then. So I will have to see a different dr. :-(. 

I told Dr K today that I has just been extra worried coz my hCH had started out SO low. But he quickly assured me that he has seen a hCG start out as low as 7 and the patient had a healthy baby. So anything really is possible. I think I will forever remember this Christmas season as one of miracles. I can't even really think about this baby without crying happy tears. I never thought I'd get the chance to be a mom and realizing that I might get to be one AGAIN is almost more than my heart can bear (in a good way). So if you are out there tonight praying for your miracle (whatever that may look like for you) KEEP praying, keep believing, and TRUST that whatever God has planned for you, it will be wonderful. 

Ya gotta love dads...

Interesting fact about me, I'm a PK (preachers kid), my dad was an assistant pastor for 20 years.  He has since "retired" from that and has a "regular" job now.  But once a pastor, always a pastor and he is always so great at encouraging me with biblical truths.  He sent me the following email last week and I just wanted to share a portion of it it here. 

You will find peace in trusting Him and focusing on his awareness of your desires.  Every time we are stretched to seek the Lord and trust His wisdom we grow more towards what ultimately he wants in our lives – which is a life surrendered unto Him and in full assurance.  God is good to Israel and he is good to you.  

 

Pro 3:5-6

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
    and do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge him,
    and he will make straight your paths.

 

Dad

I'm so very thankful for all of the support I have received throughout this transfer.  I have been so blessed.  But I'm not going to lie, I'm still super nervous about tomorrow.  Scared they won't find a baby in there.  Scared that there won't be a heartbeat and that I won't be able to hold it together.  Scared that I will have to have a d&c.  (How's that for positive thinking??)  My mind really has run away from me a few times over the last few days and I'm getting my monies worth out of my night guard, (it keeps me from grinding my teeth while I sleep, which is what I do when I'm stressed).  But I know that God is in control and that my babies (Titus and this new little one) belong to Him.  Not me.  And that is a hard, but beautiful truth.  All along the way there are new things to worry about, as a parent it never ends.  So at some point we have to just let it go, right?  To know that any "control" we have is just all in our minds anyway.  Whew.  I stink at this.  Lord help me, coz  I need it!!! I want to be like you Lord, I want to be molded into the person you want me to be, I'm just scared of the process.  And I shouldn't be.  I have a good Father in heaven, who wants me to grow and be surrendered to Him.  And He is with me and He loves me SO very much.  Those are the things I NEED to focus on.  Not the "what ifs", and the "what will I dos?".  So glad that He is faithful, even when I am faithless.   

Nerves...

I think that this week may never end!!!  I am just a bundle of nerves waiting to see if baby Wilson is doing ok in there. But on the flip side I'm so happy to be pregnant again and I know that could all end on Friday, so a good part of me never wants Friday to get here. I just want to keep living in my happy land. 

According to the IVF due date calendar I'm 6 weeks 2 days today.  Still not much to report on the symptoms front. Just extra gaggy, with a little bit of nausea and tired. I am so thankful for every day with this baby and I pray that he or she gets to live a long life and die old and gray in their sleep after I am long gone (in a perfect world, right?). I know that Gods ways are not ours and I don't know what the future holds but I feel like (when I stop and listen) God just keeps speaking to my heart, "I've got this."  Not in a, everything's going to be fine and you will have a happy, healthy baby, kind of way. But more in a He is going to take care of me no matter what happens, kind of way. So I am trying to capture those anxious thoughts and surrender my heart to Jesus, because I know He can take care of it. But it is not easy. And I am far from good at it. Just a big ole work in progress I guess. 

In other news I have now had to give myself my progesterone shot for the second time this cycle!!! Ekk! Those needles are big and it is ackward trying to twist and give yourself a shot in the hip. I had to laugh the first time it happened because my sister was over and she sweetly said, "I'd really like to help you, but I can't" and then proceeded to hide in the living room until I was done. Lol. I could never ask anyone to give me a shot, it's just too much to ask.  Ryan usually does it for me every night and he's really good at it and it rarely hurts. But law enforcement is a rough job and criminals never seem to sleep, therefore he's had a lot of overtime. And twice now it's resulted in me dosing myself up! Ha! However, I always feel like I can take on the world when I'm done!!! :-). So watch out everyone, I'm hormonal AND I can give myself injections!! 

5 weeks 6 days

Well I'm trucking along over here. One week out from our first ultrasound and although I get anxious at times I am doing much better than I thought I would. I haven't had much in the way of symptoms but I try and remind myself that 1) it's early and 2) with low (super low in my case) hCG numbers my pregnancy symptoms are going to take even longer to show up. So far what I've noticed in the last few days is that I can small EVERYTHING, and I am very tired. But we were up late a couple nights in a row so it's hard to know if I'm truly super tired or just sleep deprived. Also, today is my first day dealing with nausea. It's stuck around all day so I am hopeful that it is pregnancy related. (I feel kind of twisted hoping that my nausea sticks around, but such is the life of an IFer!!). 

The waiting game is SO hard, but I'm trying to take comfort in my teeny tiny symptoms and choosing to believe that they are baby Wilson related. I wish my tummy had a little window, or some sort of indicator as to how things are going in there. I also almost wish I was having one more beta test done. (But only almost, I'm convinced that waiting for the phone call with the results is bad for my health!!). Anyhow, that's my update for now. Hopefully some Christmas decorating will be a welcome distraction. :-)

Happy weekend!!

Hope is alive and well...

Had to wait till almost 3 today for my third beta results. I seriously thought I was going to lose my mind!!  But the nurse finally called and said, everything looks great. To which I responded, "what do you mean?"  She replied that my number went up to 369, which was great. She said the numbers started out low but that everything seems to be progressing correctly and that the next step is an ultrasound. What a ride. I can't believe I made it to the next "level". I was beginning to think I was going to be stuck in beta hell forever! LOL. 

Now comes the tricky part. Trusting and trying to enjoy the next two weeks. I feel like the low numbers are going to haunt me for a bit. But I don't want them too. I don't know how long I will be pregnant for. I don't know if I will ever be pregnant again. So I don't want to waste this time worrying. God has been SO faithful to get us this far and my prayer is that I can let Him have each and every worry. He can clearly handle this much better than I can. 

Ok, now I need to package up the four pumpkin cheesecakes I baked while trying to distract myself today!! Oh and order more meds!!

Baby steps

Did my second beta this morning. I was anxious to hear the results and nervous about getting them at work. Prepared for the worst, I was shocked when the nurse called and said they had gone up to 60!!! Now that is still a very low number, but I can't believe it more than doubled!!  They are going to have me repeat the lab work on Monday to see how/if things are progressing. She said this could still be a miscarriage or it could be a pregnancy outside of my uterus which is why they will keep repeating the labs until they (Lord willing) get a number they are comfortable with. 

I feel like I should be really freaked out right now. But I am not. I'm just thankful. Thankful for another few days to be pregnant. Thankful to not get bad news right before thanksgiving (my favorite holiday). Thankful for all the people who are praying for me and loving on me. It's all God. I should be a mess. And it could all still end badly, and in that event I reserve the right to have a good cry and a glass of wine. But, for today it isn't over. And I will take that. 

"Blessed be the Lord, for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me when I was in a besieged city." (Psalm 31:21 ESV) 

This verse really ministered to me today. The 2WW (and now beyond) can really feel like "a besieged city". Stuck with no where to go, outcome unknown. But He is with us. Amen!

Down, but not quite out...

My hCG numbers from this morning were only a 24.  :(  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terribly bummed.  But, I am also not too surprised, the test from yesterday just wasn't as dark as I thought it should have been.  It's just amazing how hopeful you can still be even when you know its a long shot. 

Anyway, of course because it is technically positive they want me to continue my shots and do another blood draw on Wednesday in hopes that the numbers double.  I know that nothing is too hard for God and am praying for a miracle.  But I am also realistic and praying that I can maintain a positive/thankful attitude no matter the final outcome.  It's hard, seems like it'd be easier to just assume its over and move on, but then I feel like I'm failing them if I don't hope and pray my hardest for them to stay.  I don't want to give up on them.  They were/are here and they matter VERY much too me.  But my self preservation side feels like throwing in the towel today.  There just aren't any words.  Just super thankful for Titus today.  He seems like the biggest miracle ever right about now.

One more sleep!

My long awaited blood test is finally tomorrow!!!  I had cramping and bloating for about  week but then that all went away.  I still have occasional crampy pangs and twinges, but that's about it.  And now I have a head cold, so its really hard to tell if I have any symptoms, and honestly any that I could have can always be explained away by the progesterone and delestrogen shots that I am on. 

I caved and took a early response pregnancy test on Friday, which would have been 8dp6dt (I think? I always get confused on the counting of days after transfer!!).  But anyway, Friday's test was SO SO faint I think I willed a line to "be" there.  Ha!  I basically called it "not negative".  Yes, I'm that crazy person creating her own name for test results, gotta do what I can to cope, right?  Ryan of course agreed there was something there, but honestly, who am I kidding?  There was no way he was going to dare disagree with me. 

Saturdays test was slightly darker, not much, but I'm taking all the small victories I can get at this point.  This mornings was the darkest so far, no guessing, the line IS there, but it's not real dark and I feel like that is not super positive given that this is one of the more sensitive tests (supposedly reading 15-25 hCG).  But I'm just trying to enjoy the fact that today, I am pregnant, and I can deal with the blood test results when I get them.  I know that my first hCG with Titus came back at a 77, which isn't real high and he's now a happy, healthy toddler.  My hCG number also didn't double in 48 hours with Titus and I had to do follow up blood work a week later.  So while I am totally realistic and realize that I could have a low number and end up with a baby that doesn't "stick", I'm still hoping and praying that I just have a late implant-er with a slow start, like Titus was. 

I can also tell that people are praying for me.  And that is a wonderful feeling.  I have peace, I know I will be bummed if I don't get to meet these babies this side of heaven, but I know that God has a plan.  I'm reading the Hiding Place, by Corrie ten Boom and it has been a great distraction and a good read so far.  One of her quotes that I just love is, "Hold everything in your hands lightly, otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open."  How true, my children don't belong to me, my job is just to try and take one day at a time and be the best mama I can be for everyday that they are with me.  :)  SO MUCH EASIER SAID THAN DONE!!  But that is my goal and I'm trying my darnedest to stay focused on that.  I had a mini melt down on Thursday morning when I realized that my "symptoms" had been gone for more than a day.  And that was terrible, it got me nowhere, and only made me feel desperate and panicked.  So I am thankful that since then God has helped me to remain somewhat calm, because there is no way that I would be able to be calm on my own. 

Waiting...

Meet the two newest Wilson's!!  The top one is the "good" one the bottom one they said probably won't make it. However, I love an underdog, so of course, I'm crazily rooting for both of them.  I felt like they were giving me a challenge when they said the one probably wouldn't make it. Ha!  

Overall, I am thankful everything went smoothly and that they only had to thaw two. :-) Praying that they stick around for the long haul now! :-). I had a lot of cramping the first two and half days (I don't remember any cramping after our transfer with Titus). My first beta is Monday (11/25) and the wait is nervewracking!!  I go from being totally at peace with whatever happens to feeling like I'm losing the inner battle to stay positive and hopefull. I know we serve a big God and nothing is too hard for Him. But I also know that His ways aren't mine and His perfect plan for our family may not involve meeting these babies here on earth. So I wait, and I pray for them and I pray for us. That we would find peace and comfort no matter the outcome. And be able to walk forward with gratitude for what we do have and what we were able to attempt. 

My devotions this morning were about serving the purpose God put us here for. As God would have it the author of this mornings reading (they are different everyday in this study) has suffered several miscarriages and also lost a baby after it was born and she shared how all of them had a God given purpose that they had served. 

"And do you know, that even those fleeting little lives - those longed-for souls whose hearts beat for 212 days or less - they were on special assignment by Christ? That at the end of their lives, God said “Well Done. Mission Complete.” (and “PS, I’m still working on your Mama...”)" (She reads truth: 5 favorites)

Hello tears!  Thank you Lord for loving me enough to send me a sweet devotion that touched me right where I was at this morning. 

And then the big day was tomorrow...

Well, tomorrow is the big day. I have thought about and prayed about this day for almost three years. And while I am not ready to say goodbye to our embryos I am SO very ready to have at least two of them freed from frozen limbo land. My lining has been great at every check up so that has been encouraging. The one downer has been that Dr K said all four embryos were grade B, and I had previously been told (by a nurse) that they were grade A. But I know that ultimately that is just a letter. They are not God. They do not know what the future holds for our little ones. So I am choosing to be steadfast in my positive outlook. It will only help and should things not be successful then I will deal with those feelings then. 

We are leaving tonight so that we can be all settled in our hotel before the transfer and then we will stay for two more nights after the transfer, mostly for my peace of mind. I know that I should really try not to lift Titus and the easiest way to do that is to not have him be around me for those first couple of days. After that, all bets are off and I'm just praying that lifting my toddler doesn't have any negative side effects. (Regular people get pregnant everyday and they lift their toddlers, right??). Also, Titus has come down with a cold and a low grade fever so I am really praying that Ryan and I don't get it. It really threw a wrench in my child care plans because my sister in law did not want to risk getting her kids sick. *insert hormonal lady panic* Thankfully my awesome mom generously offered to take the time off of work (unpaid) so that she could watch him for us. When I came out of my initial panic I could once again see that this is just another way of God showing me just how much he loves me and cares about the small details in my life. 

He is good. No matter what. I am thankful. No matter what. And I am ever hopeful that He will infact pour out grace upon grace in our lives and bless us again. 

Again. 

That is such a sweet word to me today. I am a mommy. Those four little babies were given to us by God. And infertility, in all it's ugliness, can't change those facts. Ever. So even though I feel like a lab rat that has been poked one too many times. And trust me, I want to (and sometimes do) wallow in the "why me?'s" but I know in the end it won't change anything and it certainly won't help me. So instead I must choose gratitude for the life that I do have, for the hope of little lives waiting for us tomorrow, and the knowledge of a Savior that will carry us through this no matter how it plays out. 

A new beginning

Well my period arrived right on schedule this month (which is awesome since it's been a little sketchy ever since I stopped nursing over the summer). And today (day 3) was my first dr visit. We dropped the little T-man off with my mom and dad at about 5:15 this morning and hit the road. Three hours and a few stops later we arrived for our appointment. I only had a mini melt down after we parked the car. Just so many memories of all the trips we made two and half years ago for my surgery and our IVF cycle. They are good memories. I just don't want my new memories from this cycle to ruin them (I know, I'm getting way ahead of myself! One day at a time Amy, one day at a time!). 

Anyway, our appointment was quick and uneventful, I think we were in and out of there in 30 minutes. Dr K had the weekend off, so we didn't get to see him, but the Dr we saw was very nice. Everything looked normal and we got the go ahead to start the estrogen shots today, provided my bloodwork came back ok. We were almost home when my phone rang and the nurse said everything was great and I could start shots. Yikes! This is really happening!  

I'm not going to lie, I was nervous about doing them again. I don't mind the pain, but the anticipation of it is nervewracking. But thankfully my hubs is still a pro and I didn't feel a thing. I'm sure a few more shots in it will start hurting some, but I am just glad to get that first one under my belt. :-)

He hears...

I read this post this morning, and it calmed my soul. He hears us, He loves us, He is with us. Amen!!

http://www.hopeforthewearymom.com/2013/10/15/for-the-days-when-you-want-to-run-and-hide/

Settling in...

We have been in our new place for a little over a month and it is finally starting to feel like home. And, while we do miss daily interaction with Grandma and Papa, being a family of three has been fun. For the first time ever Titus is sleeping in his own room and it has been NICE!  He still seems to think that 4:30 AM is a great wake up time but I'm hoping once his 2 year molars finish coming in (only one has poked thru so far!) that maybe, just maybe, he will sleep to a more dignified hour, like say, 5?? :-) 

In FET news we are all set to go with our next cycle. I ordered my meds yesterday and now we just wait for that fateful cycle day one so I can call for my first appointment. I finally got the nerve up to ask the nurse what our remaining four embryos were graded at and she said they were all A's which is good, but that only two of them were actually at the blast stage. The other two were morulas (I think that's how you spell it) which is the stage just prior to a blast. They were all frozen on day 6, so I feel a little less hopefull.  But I am trying to just focus on the fact that they are real little people and that God already knows the outcome and number of their days, so I don't need to worry about it, right?! :-). I hate the emotional puddle that infertility can reduce me to. I want to have the faith and strength to say that God is good, and all things are possible. And that even if we aren't blessed with more children it's ok because God has a plan and His ways are perfect. But my flesh is weak and it says that things don't always work out, and that bad things happen all the time. And that I have already been blessed beyond measure, so how could I dare long for more? 

The internal battle can be draining, and the best part is I'm not even on any meds yet!!!! So yeah, I'm going to need a lot of prayer!

On a more positive note, two of my very best friends have just finished their first IVF cycles with Dr K and they are both now pregnant! Which is amazing news!! So I am just tickeled to think (dare I dream a little?) that we could all be prego together. But either way I should have two yummy newborns to snuggle this summer and that is so sweet. My heart is so full as I reflect on how good God has been and how he has used Titus to encourage others to pursue further treatment. It truely blows my mind. 

So I will keep snuggling my cutie and keep on reminding myself of these truths... He has been faithful. He has been with us. He will continue to be with us, no matter what our future holds. 

November it is!

We have decided that November is the month for our FET. I am excited, yet guarded. If that makes any sense. I wish we could do it sooner but in reality, November will be here in about two blinks of an eye. I was really hoping for October, but Ryan has out of town training for two weeks that month and he did not want to miss any of our appointments.  And our September is already crazy because we are moving. Yes, we are MOVING (and can I just say that I hate packing more that I can ever put into words!!!).

We might be a little crazy but, a year ago we sold our home and began a new adventure of paying off ALL of our debt. This adventure involved renting two rooms from my parents and putting almost all of our belongings in storage. It has been hard, but worth it. As of two weeks ago we have been able to pay off all but one BIG school loan (culinary school is no joke people!!). So we feel that now is a good time to get back out on our own. We are still in "live like no one else" mode but we are SO very excited to be on our own again. I cannot thank my parents enough for opening up their home to us!! It has been a tremendous blessing to us and we are so thankful.

So hopefully I can spend the next month and a half getting us all settled in to our new place.  That way I can be stress free for our FET in November! For now I'm still packing (grrr) but I'm dreaming of cooler weather, pumpkin spice EVERYTHING, and my frozen little babies that I have yet to meet!

Lack of Power

Last night in my county and portions of surrounding counties the POWER went out from about 7pm until 1:30 am. I found it was a great reminder to me that we NEED to slow down more, talk more and relax more (although in the heat was not my preference!).  

I pinned a quote this morning that said… God made a whole beautiful earth and decided to put you in it, to experience all of this beauty.  You can't do that watching television all the time. - Donald Miller…  

For me, TV is my relaxation, but it is a crutch I rely on way too much (while surfing the net on my phone, ridiculous I know, but I CAN'T stop!! LOL).  I feel the strong need to unplug more and more and yet I find it harder and harder to do.  No TV? Not check Facebook? Not surf Pinterest? No instagramming? Are you cray cray?!!?  And yet my craft box is full of crafts to finish, my kindle is full of books to read, and half the time I only "think" I talked to my husband about something.  SAD.  Something drastic must be done. My life feels very busy, but often it does not feel  FULL. Not well rounded. And I know that I can do better. I know that I need to do better. To use the time that I am given on this earth to make a difference, use my brain, express myself creatively. This is what God made us for, because in these types of activities He can be glorified. Our social media today is an example of how we long to be connected. But yet in a lot of ways it feels like it keeps everyone at arms length. 

So, what am I saying? Am I giving up my smart phone and my hulu account? Probably not. But I do think some refocusing is in order. Some brain growing, some soul searching, some goal setting and dare I say it... boundaries... Yikes! Lots to chew on folks, lots to chew on!  So, now that I've  rambled on way too long, let me ask you, how do YOU unplug?

Round 2...?

It really feels like a lifetime ago that we started IVF, it has been over two years so I guess that is quite a while. Where does the time go?  Titus is now 19 months and a true joy. I cannot imagine what having another baby would look like. I don't feel like I deserve one. I feel like I used up all my blessings and luck with Titus and somehow that makes me think that more kiddos aren't in our future. But I know that isn't scriptural or how God works. He gives and takes away, and our lives are about bringing glory to Him no matter where He leads us. We were blessed by Him before Titus, with Titus, and we are blessed with or without more children. Children are a blessing, but they are not THE blessing, they are one of many ways that God can bless us. 

All that to say that I think round two will feel very different. Having Titus makes this feel like a bonus round. Like even if it doesn't work, I won't walk away totally empty handed. And yet I truly love my four frozen little babies and I long to have them in my arms. In my head they are three boys and one girl and they have names waiting for them (well names that I would use, Hubs and I will definitely have to duke it out if that time ever comes). I don't know if I will ever get to hold them this side of heaven, but I pray that I do. 

So round 2 leaves me with so many mixed feelings. Feelings of... What if it doesn't work?... OMG, what if it does?... It's truely bittersweet, Titus brings a real reality to what our four little embryos represent. They are truely little lives waiting to get growing. I'm sorry that they are still frozen and waiting for us. I feel like we hit pause on their lives and I cannot wait for them to be out of limbo land. And yet that means that they might not "be" anymore. For now they feel safe, alive, and waiting. But once thawed the risk begins again. The reality of them possibly not making it is hard. But as their mother I need to rest in the fact that their days are predetermined by God and that He loves them even more than I do. 

So basically all that rambling to say that I finally made the call to our clinics office (it only took me like a week, I can't explain it but that first call is always hard for me). We can start the process any time just have to call on day one of my cycle. So now we just have to pick which month. Currently I'm voting for October and my husband is voting for December. Lol! Prayers for peace and comfort would be much appreciated. This is a wild ride and I can't believe we are about to get back on it. Wee-haw!!

It's not fair

After Titus fell asleep tonight I just held him and cried. Because it’s not fair that I have him, when so many are still waiting for their babies.  Because I’m so thankful for him.  Because he is more than I deserved.  Because he is a miracle (all babies are, but he’s my miracle).  

Infertility has been heavy on my heart... I'm having lunch this week with a friend who has been dealing with infertility for three years.  Another sweet friend of mine that I got to spend some time with last week has endured a failed IVF and two failed adoptions, they are not sure what their next steps will be.  One of my blog friends just found out her IVF was unsuccessful.  So much heartache.  And yet I get to rock my son to sleep tonight.  It's just not fair.  In my HEAD, I know God is faithful and is writing a beautiful story with each of their lives, that He is working even now in the midst of the pain and that the outcome will be better than anyone could have imagined.  But my HEART just hurts for my friends.  And I would do anything to make it all better. 

My little contribution to national infertility awareness week...

I have so enjoyed all the blog posts I've read this week regarding national infertility awareness week.  They have been inspiring, motivating and encouraging.  In honor of infertility awareness week I want to share the story of my laparoscopic surgery in 2010.  To me it’s a funny story, but it also shows just some of the crazy things that we do, all for the sake of getting pregnant someday.  So this one is for all my fellow “lab rats”, I hope you enjoy my story, it's not very serious or inspirational but I hope you will have at least one chuckle as you read it, because laughter really is some of the best medicine.  :)  

Our wonderful RE down south had reviewed my Hysterosalpinogram (HSG) (having that done probably deserves its own story, but I think one TMI story is enough for now!), he thought that one of my fallopian tubes looked kind of small and was concerned that it may not be functioning the right way.  He was also concerned that I might have endometriosis and recommended laparoscopic surgery so that he could “clean out” any endo, and check on the tube.

We drove down the night before my surgery to Thousand Oaks, and checked into our hotel.  We borrowed my father-in-laws Honda Accord so that we would have a bigger car and I would be more comfortable on the drive home after my surgery.  The drive down was uneventful and we had as restful of a night of sleep as anyone does the night before surgery. 

The next morning I was up early and hubs was a little irritated that I was so anxious to get to the hospital. He argued that the hospital was less than a 10 minute drive away and he was not interested in leaving “way too early” (have I mentioned he’s not a morning person?).  Anyway, we had to be there by 6:30am, and I wasn’t about to be late.  So, we headed downstairs just before 6 and got into the car only to realize that it would NOT START!  I’m trying not to freak out and neither of us is quite sure what to do.  I believe at one point my husband said to me, “well we could just start running, we’d probably get there in time”.  WHAT?!!, I was NOT going to run to the hospital!!  So we did what everyone does when they need a ride to the hospital, we called a taxi cab (to this day we still debate about who’s idea it was, but trust me, it was MY idea).  :)  It was the craziest thing to be driven to my surgery (just in the nick of time I might add) in a CAB!

We got to the hospital and got checked in.  Surgery went as smoothly as those things do and the next thing I know I’m waking up in the recovery room to a nurse telling me, “My, you get kind of emotional when you come out of anesthesia”.  Apparently I’d been crying, and I was now SO nauseated, that I’d rather die than go on living, so I’m sure I was just a joy to take care of.  They got me enough anti-nausea meds to finally feel like a human again, but they wouldn’t let me go home until I went pee.  I’d never had a catheter before but I was quickly finding out that it can be a challenge to “go” after having one.  I finally peed enough to get cut loose from that joint and we proceeded to take a cab back to the hotel.  :)  We had already checked out of our rooms but since our car wouldn’t start we didn’t really have anywhere else to go.  Have I mentioned yet that it’s December 23 and I just want to go home?  So I assure Ryan that he just needs to call AAA and get them down there to fix the car and I will just sit in the lobby and wait.  (He felt really bad and wanted to get a room for another night at the hotel so I’d have somewhere to wait, but I didn’t want to pay for a room to sit in!!)  I’m sure whoever saw me sitting in the lobby probably thought I had “issues” as I was still pretty drugged up after my fun morning surgery. 

Another hour or so went by and AAA had come and gotten the car started but said the battery was shot.  So we could drive it home as long as we didn’t ever stop and turn the car off on our way.  It’s only a three hour drive, shouldn’t be a big deal, right?

First “stop” of the drive home, the in and out drive thru (remember we can’t turn the car off).  I run inside to pee, because I’ve been pumped full of fluids and now I really gotta go.  But I must have had some weird side effect from the catheter because while I feel like I really gotta go, nothing really is coming out, just a tiny trickle.  Not good.  I give up and get back in the car to find that hubs ordered me a grilled cheese because, “I wasn’t supposed to have anything heavy”.  I will never eat a grilled cheese there again.  I’m sure they make a fine sandwich, but I could barely choke it down thanks to the dry mouth that I had from the pain and nausea meds.  :)  We drive for about an hour before I can’t take it anymore and I tell hubs to find the nearest gas station where I can try, yet again, to pee.  Gas station bathrooms are SO gross, but desperate times, call for desperate measures.  My problem continues however, and I can’t produce much more than a trickle, I know that the car is running (due to the bad battery) so I again give up and we get back out on the road.  We repeated this scenario several more times on the drive home and by the end of the trip I was functioning much more “normally” and I’m happy to report that the car made it all the way home and got a new battery the next day.

As a side note, my Dr reported that my fallopian tube was smaller (as the HSG had shown), but seemed to be fully functional which was good news, he also that my endo was between a stage 2 and a stage 3.  Not what I wanted to hear, but I did feel relieved that there was at least a reason for all of the pain that I had been in for so many years.

The “moral” to the story is that when dealing with infertility you have to find the humor in it when you can.  Ryan and I have enjoyed such a good laugh tonight as we reminisced about how crazy that day was and I hope it put a smile on your face too.  :)

2 years ago...

Two years ago today was the first time I "met" Titus and all of his little brothers and/or sisters.  It was the day of our embryo transfer and I got to see pictures of all my little babies.  I truly love them all and look forward to meeting them all someday, if not on this earth, then in heaven.  I remember this day two years ago like it was yesterday, and yet at the same time it feels like a lifetime ago.  I remember feeling sort of down the day of the transfer because I realized that there was nothing more I could do to make sure we got pregnant.  But then I remember realizing that there was never really anything I could do, it was always in Gods hands.  And I still have to put Titus and our remaining four embryo's in His hands everyday, knowing that He has a plan and His will is ultimately best whether it ever makes sense to me or not.
The sermon at church yesterday talked about how we are all called to disciple others and to be discipled, and how God uses the trials and struggles we go through in our lives to help others when they are going through similar circumstances.  It gave me such comfort to know that by sharing my story (mostly in real life, because I don't think my blog gets read much, and that is totally fine! lol) God can use that to touch someone who maybe just needs to know that they aren't alone, that someone is praying for them, rooting for them, hoping for them, remembering that they had an appointment or ultrasound or were meeting with an adoption agency, etc. Taped to the inside of my Bible I have some encouraging words and a few verses and a prayer that really helped me on some of my darkest days.  I want to share them with you today, if nothing else typing them out will be great way for me to really soak them in again:

"Lord, You are SO good.  You do all things well."  (This always reminds me that God doesn't make mistakes, and He doesn't waste the hurt.  He has a plan and a purpose that are always at work to shape me into the person that He wants me to be.)

"Lord, thank you for our infertility.  Also, thank you that YOU are in CONTROL, and that this is good for me or You would not permit it.  Thank You for this special opportunity to glorify You and magnify Your name.  Thank You for what You are trying to teach me.  Use me for Your glory even if I must continue to suffer through this experience. Amen."  (I can remember praying this prayer over and over.  Surrendering to Him in my infertility brought me such comfort on the bad days.  For me it is an ongoing process of laying it down at His feet.  I seem to continually pick this cross up when I don't need to.)

"Combat comes before victory.  If God has chosen special trials for you to endure, be assured He has kept a very special place in His heart just for you.  A badly bruised soul is one who is chosen."  (I cannot remember where I found this quote, but I just love it SO SO much.  How great is our God who sees all of our struggles and holds us in His hands.)

"If we are faithless, HE remains faithful, for HE cannot deny Himself. - 2 Timothy 2:24"  (One of my favorite Bible verses and an awesome reminder that even when we feel like giving up He is still faithful.)

"Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.  Hebrews 4:16" (Probably my all time favorite verse.)

I pray that the Lord reminds me of all of these things over the next few months as we look forward to our FET in the fall.  I feel like my hiatus from infertility is over, and I realize that may sound weird because I have Titus.  And I am grateful everyday that I have the privilege of being his mommy, but we are still infertile, and that still hurts (although it is definitely not the open wound it once was).  Treatments are still hard, and I know that there will likely be disappointments along the way, and that is why I must continually lean on Him.  I've walked this road before and I know that HE was always there and I look forward (am I really saying this?) to seeing how He is going to work in my heart again.  I am so anxious/excited/nervous to see how God expands our family.  And maybe He won't, maybe the answer this time will be 'no'.  But that too will be an answer, and yet another opportunity to trust Him.  Today I feel like I can find peace and contentment in that.  But I also know that tomorrow I may lose sight of His goodness and need THIS very post to reflect on.  :)

Happy Monday!