Happy Due Date August Baby

Sweet August baby... 

Oh how I wish that today I was holding you instead of just remembering you.  I can still close my eyes and see your little heart fluttering away on the ultrasound machine... That is a memory that I will always cherish. It reminds me that you were indeed real... that even though it was too short, you did have your own little story. You changed my life forever, and I am so thankful that God gave you to me. Your story will always be part of my story.  I often ask Jesus to tell you that I love you... I don't know if it works like that, but it feels nice to think I can somehow communicate my love to you. I long for the day we can all be together again. I love you. 

Love always,

Mommy 

MRI results

Dr Kumar called me on Friday. My MRI showed that I do in fact have Adnomyosis. So now maybe we can get down to business of figuring out what we want to do.   I love my little guy something fierce, and it really is different making decisions about our family's future now that he's in it. We still really don't know what would be best for us Wilson's, and I think figuring it out is going to take some time and prayer, and that's ok. :) The mini IVF is still the treatment plan that dr K is recommending.  He was on his cell so he was kind of hard to hear, but he did say we'd have to make embryos first and then shut down my system for three months, which would help temporarily get rid of my endo and the Adnomyosis. So this may end up being a pretty long process if we do move forward. 

I am struggling a little with the fact that maybe my August baby died and it could have been prevented, and rationally I know there is no way to know. But other than that I am kind of glad to have something to treat should we pursue further treatments. I'm also thankful for a Dr who calls me from his personal cell phone to update me on test results. He could have easily had a nurse do it, but he did it himself. And it's not like I'm getting some sort of special treatment, I have three other IRL friends that I have referred to him and they all report similar things. It's refreshing in a world where good "customer service" is hard to come by. 

It's been a long first quarter for 2014. I feel like I've been struggling more than I've been resting.  And I want to change that.  Just need to learn to keep my eyes on Jesus and trust that He not only has a plan, but that it's a good one. :). 

Blessings,

Amy

I need a plan

I'm not very type A. I'm not very organized. But I do like to know where I'm going. I don't do well with the unknown. I will always take bad news over no news. It's just part of what makes me tick. I am also still grieving. I am dealing with a pinched nerve/muscle thingy in my neck. I can't focus. I just want to sob but the tears won't come. I'm not getting enough sleep. All of these things are not helping. They are making everything harder. 

I know everyone wants to say, relax, don't think about it... Stop worrying. But it's not that simple. My babies are gone and I can't get them back. My neck hurts and I can't sleep. I know "God has a plan". But it's hard to find comfort in that when so far His plan has involved losing five embryos (one of them after 9 weeks of hoping that every thing would be ok). So yes, Gods got a plan. It doesn't mean that it doesn't involve pain. Or heartache or loss. It doesn't mean that I like His plan right now. I feel like Gods trying to break me, but I'm already broken. 

Our sweet dr has a plan for us. It involves some tests on me and then doing a mini IVF round. It's half the cost and a lot less meds. And he thinks we would be good candidates for mini IVF. But we don't know if we want to do it. If we did do it it would be several months from now. The several months part sounds really good. I do need a break. I just feel like I can't be on a break until I know what we are going to do. But decisions like these take time. So that's where I'm at, no plan. Just sitting here trying not to feel like a crazy person. Got to let it all go, but I don't know how. 

I hate infertility. 

No surprises...

Finally got the call. Beta was negative of course. Dr K wants to do a follow up with us in person on Saturday. And he also apparently wants to see about doing an MRI on my pelvis. I have no idea why? Kinda freaky. But anyway. Glad I at least avoided beta purgatory this time.   

I am truly bummed, last night was particularly hard. I always wanted a big family and it's hard to think that this 8 year journey is possibly over. I've spent three years praying and hoping and wishing that those embryos would make it when the time came to use them. And now they are gone.  

I am praying Dr K will have some sort of insight to give us. Maybe some treatment options to pray about, or just clarity that this chapter in our lives is, in fact, over. 

There aren't any easy answers folks. Just a hope that ultimately this world is not our home, and that God is still good, and still with us. 

Everything is coming up negative....

No positive HPTs this cycle. :(

I tested Thursday, Friday and today.... Totally negative. And you know I'm good at finding that second line if it's there!! Lol. Anyway, I'm ok I guess.  Devistated, but somehow, I haven't even cried when they come up negative. Just another sign to me that I am not pregnant, coz normally I am way more emotional at this point. I mean, don't get me wrong, I've had a few melt downs later in the day, but I thought I would be doing a lot worse. I think I honesty couldn't believe I'd be lucky enough to have two successful pregnancies, so maybe that's why it's not a shock.  And maybe "lucky enough" is the wrong wording. Just a dream of mine that seems too big to ever achieve??  I dunno. 

I'm also fairly competitive so I hate to go out on a down note, ya know? And I don't want infertility to "win", which again, is a ridiculous way to look at it!! Lol. And I miss my little frozen embryos. I had hopes and dreams for them, they were very real to me, and I miss them.  I've spent the last three years hoping that I would get to meet them.  And if will alone was enough, then I'm quite certain they would have made it. That is how badly I wanted them to live. But I am thankful that my babies are no longer frozen. That always bothered me a lot. So at least that weight is lifted.  

I know that I have a lot to be thankful for and I'm enjoying the toddler/preschool age with Titus right now. Oddly enough he has been requesting to be wrapped up in his blanket and rocked to sleep the last four nights which has been hugely comforting to me. So I know that God is still there and loves me, even if this didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.  

I don't feel like I'm done trying, I'm not that old really, and I'd always pictured our family being bigger. But when I think about starting all over with IVF, or pursuing donated embryos, it seems so overwhelming (and I don't think I could convince Ryan anyways). So for now I think we will just be taking an indefinite break. I'd love to do foster/adopt once we have a house again. But, for now it's not really anything I can plan on. We aren't in a place to even consider it, since we are still renting, and I think it will be more healthy for me to just to try and put future children out of my mind for a while and just enjoy the family that I do have. 

So for now I have three more shots to do (two tonight, and one more tomorrow). Ugh. For some reason they hurt SO bad this time. We should be pros by now, and I've never had the lumps and brusing like I've had this time. Anyway, once I get the official beta results on Monday (12dp 6dt), I'm looking forward to a Venti CAFFEINATED latte, and being able to workout again.  

Life is going to look different than I'd hoped. But I don't want that to be a negative thing. I just have to redefine my dream. And that isn't going to happen overnight (I don't think) but I do think it is possible. God and time are great healers. So I'm just going to keep bringing my mangled heart to Him, and trust that over time it will get easier. 

Babies on board!

The newest Wilson's!!! 

Transfer is complete!! Both survived the thaw, but unfortunately neither one looked very good. Dr Kumar said that one (the top one) definitely looked a little better than the other. The embryologist said the damage to them was due to the slow freezing process (which they no longer use). I'm bummed, and a few tears have been shed, but I'm just trying to remember that nothing is too hard for God. I'm praying that God breathes life into their little cells. 

The actual transfer was kind of crazy this time. Dr Kumar could not get the catheter in the right place during the mock transfer and had to end up using a metal catheter that he could thread a smaller catheter through. I have never had any issues before during a transfer so it was all a little unnerving (and painful!). But he assured me that each transfer is different and he thought maybe my bladder was just a tad too full. Ultimately he was very pleased with the embryo placement, so at least that was reassuring. My beta is on 3/10, and of course I usually start taking HPTs 8dpt. 

To my last two little loves... I am praying so very hard that you stick around and I hope that no matter what you will somehow know how very loved and wanted you are. 

Overdue update!

Sorry I've dropped the ball this time on the updates!! Everything has been going so so fast this time!  Here are the highlights....

At my second lining check, my lining was already at 19!!! Yikes!  The nurse said she's never seen it that thick, but that it wasn't a bad thing, just needed to be over 8 prior to transfer. She then flipped through my chart and said that it looked like I always have thick lining. It was a 16, the appointment before Titus was transferred, and an 18 the appointment before August baby was transferred. But she noted that I'd never had lining that thick, that early, or ever during an ARTs cycle. Well, of course it weirded me out to be outside of the norm (funny how we all just want to be "normal", right?). So I did what every "normal" person would do and consulted Dr Google (big mistake). I google a lot. I work as an assistant planner writing environmental docs like MNDs and EIRs, have I lost you yet? So, before you assume that I spend my days on my high horse saving squirrels and kit fox, let me just state that I'm a pretty conservative gal (married to a cop so yeah know, I believe in that whole, right to bear arms thing, etc), these documents are supposed to be disclosure documents written from an unbiased opinion. Basically we have to find out what the county/city standards are and make sure that the new project complies with those standards and any state or federal laws. Basically like writing a big term paper. BORING, I know, but it pays the bills and I can work part time and even from home if needed. Ok, so back to googling, as a planner I google a lot. In fact I consider myself somewhat of a professional googler. :-). So when I googled "thick lining" and hardly anything pertinate came up, that was a red flag to me. It seems that thin lining is the predominate problem out there. I did find a few things and it was all pretty split. Some said lining could never be too thick others said you don't want it over a 16 or 18. Ok, so here is where I started to panic a little. 

But wait, there is more...  I've been working out several days a week since January, and I think it's been helpful in keeping my anxity low-ish and I've been sleeping better (for some reason the delestrogen seems to screw with my normally good sleeping pattern). Anyway, I did a legs/abs work out that night. And then I started spotting. I've never spotted before a transfer. But here I was with bright red spotting that lasted for a couple hours. Ugh. Now I was in full on panic mode and once again, google didn't have a lot to say about it. This was a Saturday. I called Sunday morning and left a message for a nurse to call me back, which they usually do, but for some reason no one did. Monday I finally got a hold of a nurse and she said that it was still early enough in the cycle that everything was probably fine. But she did say that my lining was pretty darn thick and that sometimes that can cause bleeding and that fluid in the uterus is bad. So, if they saw any on my next ultrasound they would probably cancel this cycle. She also said to call her if I had any more bleeding. 

Whomp, whomp, whomp!

I spent the rest of the week thinking that they were probably going to cancel my transfer. I was bummed. But good news was that I had not had any more spotting.  This past Saturday was my last lining check and low and behold it was "perfect", no fluid and measuring at 18. Somehow I'd managed to think it was going to be a crazy number like 24 or something. So transfer was definitely a GO!!  

Today at 10:30, I will get to meet our last two littles. I'm overjoyed and a little sad that these are our last two. I can't help but wonder if this is the last time I will ever have a real chance at being pregnant. But, I try not to linger on that thought for too long. Mostly I'm just trying to focus on the joy of getting to be pregnant again, even if it's just for a few hours.  I pray that they survive the thaw.  I pray that God breathes life into their little cells and that they snuggle in and GROW!! I pray that I would have the privilege of meeting them again in nine months. And I also pray that God would give me the strength to face whatever comes next. 

Here we go again...

Well, we decided to take the plunge and jump right back in for FET #2. Cycle day one was on Thursday and my first appointment was yesterday. Everything looked great and was a "go" so we started the delestrogen shots last night. Thankfully all our apointments will be on Saturdays up until our transfer which should be on the 27th. 

I am suprised at how excited I am about this FET. It will be our last one most likely, as these are our last two embryos, so I anticipated being much more nervous about it. (And it's early, I may still freak out over the next few weeks, but for now I'm just thankful to feel excited and calm). I can't wait to get to "meet" these last two little ones, and I am so excited about the possibility of getting to be pregnant again. I am praying for God to prepare my heart for whatever is in store for us. I am also praying that if I do get pregnant that my hCG numbers would be much higher and that I would be SICK. After losing our August baby, it would be very nice to have the reassurance of good numbers and symptoms. 

Blessings,

Amy

What infertility has taught me about life...

I suppose I should have titled this, what infertility has taught me about life so far. Because I definitely don't think I'm done learning by any means. But I digress. So here it is the things I've learned so far:

1.  God is close to the brokenhearted. 

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18 ESV) This verse has been my mantra of late. But it really is true, and when I look back on my life, the times when I was especially broken are often the sweetest times for me spiritually. I wish it wasn't that way.  I wish that the good times were as pivotal and growth inducing as the bad times.

2.  Perseverance is the stuff great mommies are made of. Motherhood is no joke. It's wonderful, amazing and everything I'd ever dreamed it would be. But it is also the hardest job I've ever had. And I am thankful for all the years I longed to be a mom and had to keep getting back up after infertility knocked me down, because I know it has made me a better mother. And I'm not saying that you have to experience infertility to he a good mom, I'm just saying that for ME personally, it has made me a better mommy.

3.  Dreams can change. And plans can change. Our journey has felt very "windy". We first went to ARTs, then looked into domestic infant adoption, then took all the foster/adopt classes for adopting thru our county, only to turn around and do IVF. And our story isn't over yet. We may be a family of three when the dust settles (and that is definitely a lot different than I originally pictured things) or we could still fost/adopt or pursue embryo adoption or even do another round of IVF. The truth is I really don't know at this point and that's ok. These are decisions that everyone has to make as an individual couple, based on their family and what they feel that God is leading THEM to do. There is no set right and wrong in this. Which is what makes it both tricky and beautiful. Tricky, because it's hard to know WHAT to do, and beautiful because it's so sweet to see the unique ways God builds families.

4.  Everyone's journey is unique to them.  Just as grief is different for each individual, so is infertility.  The way we each process infertility can vary greatly. I actually think that there are a lot of similarities, but maybe the "stages" end up in different orders.

5.  God does not waste the hurt. He uses the difficult situations in our lives to grow us and make us more like HIM.  I believe he also uses our trials and circumstances to prepare us for things later on.  I'm not saying that I will face something worse than IF later (although that is entirely possible), I'm just saying that I believe God uses everything in our lives to shape us into the person He wants us to be.  And our struggles give us the opportunity to reach out and minister to others in similar situations.  I find SO much comfort and healing in being able to reach out to others and encourage/pray for them.  It blows my mind when I can look back and think of the dear friends I never would have met if it weren't for my infertility journey. 

6.  God does give us the desires of our heart. Sometimes the desire just needs a little (or a lot) of refining and/or redefining. It's a prayer that I am learning to pray...  Lord, this is where I'm at today, my heart is longing for another baby, but it is also longing for You to give me a desire for what You have for me.  Open my eyes and heart to see my life through Your eyes.  Give me a heart that longs for the things that You would have for me.

7.  What happens to us changes us, but it doesn't have to define us.  I think I have the tendency to forget that I am first and foremost a child of God.  A follower of Christ.  That is the only thing that needs to define me.  Everything else in life that happens to me is a part of my story, but it's not "who I am".

That is my list so far.  I'm sure that there will be more I can add over the coming years.
What are some of the things that infertility has taught you? 

Blessings,
Amy

Goals for the new year...

I know the first day of 2014 was almost a month ago, but it's STILL January so I'm going to say that it's not too late to do a "goals for the new year" post!! :-)

So here are mine:

-Read 12 books (one a month, that's doable, right?)

-Memorize Psalm 34

-Finish photo books for the last THREE years (yikes am I really that far behind??)

-Cut out sugar (at least 5 days a week)

-Pay off last student loan

-Keep blogging (I'm kind of getting addicted!) 

So yeah, those are my goals. Nothing crazy or extreme. Just some specific things I've been working towards. 

In a more general sense I know some people picked a word for 2014. And I thought that was a really neat idea. So my word is BRAVE. 

I want to be...

-brave enough to face another FET. 

-brave enough to allow God to work in my heart in whatever ways He sees fit. 

-brave enough to surrender it all to Him, all my hopes, all my dreams, and know that He is able, and His plan is good. 

Blessings,

Amy

Sunshine Award

I'm super honored that Candace at The Loveliest Way nominated me for a Sunshine Award.  I love her honest and God fearing posts as she writes her way through her infertility journey.  Reading her blog inspired me to blog thru my last cycle, and I'm so glad I did as it was very therapeutic and has given me some great memories that I wouldn't have had otherwise. I just cannot wait to see how God ends up making her a mama!  I know that it is going to be the most awesome story ever.  :)

Okay, now to answer my questions...
 
1. Do you prefer savory or sweet for breakfast?
Oh dear, this is hard.  Breakfast is hands down my favorite meal.  In fact if we eat somewhere that serves breakfast all day I will usually order it for dinner.  :)  I almost always go for french toast or waffles, but I like to make sure the meal comes with eggs and HASH BROWNS.  I'm a sucker for potatoes!!  So I guess I like both savory AND sweet for breakfast!!

2. What is a beauty product you simply cannot live without?
Foundation.  And I really haven't found the "perfect" one yet.  But there is still time!  I've always struggled with acne so I feel most comfortable when I can at least have some foundation on.

3. Complete the sentence: I wish I had more time for...
SEWING!  I really like to sew.  But I'm not that great at it and it's really hard to find the time now to work on projects.  A toddler plus sewing equals a very messy house!!

4. What is the last book you read?
The Hiding Place, by Corrie TenBoom.  Such a great read.  I highly recommend it.  Her optimism just has a way of pulling you out of whatever your sad situation is and helping you try to see the blessings in the situation.  It has seriously been a lifesaver through this last treatment cycle, pregnancy and miscarriage.

5. Which do you prefer: a live or fake Christmas tree?
Live all the way!  Although I'm a tight-wad at heart, so spending money on something that is going to die kind of kills me a little.  But still, the smell of a REAL tree cannot be replicated.  :) (in my opinion of course!)

6. What is your favorite Christmas carol?
Probably Joy to the World.  That is what Jesus really is after all.  Our joy.  :)

7. If you could own a home anywhere, where would it be?
Probably somewhere on the central coast.  We love Morro Bay (I know that probably makes us sound like 50 year olds!) but we like the slower pace and it's where Ryan proposed and where we honeymooned and where we like to camp.  So, yeah, it holds a lot of good memories.  But like I always tell Ryan, if we lived there, then where would we retreat too?

8. Which do you like better: gold or silver?
Agh, another tough one!  Good questions Candace!!  I was ALWAYS a silver girl, even my wedding ring is white gold, and I wore very little gold.  But now gold is growing on me and I wear it a lot more.  So I can't pick. And honestly I don't wear a lot of jewelry, but it is one of my life goals to get better at accessorizing. :)

9. If you were a flower, what flower would you be?
A tulip.  Those are my favorite flowers.  :)

10. What is your favorite book of the Bible?
Another tough one!!  Probably Philippians, if I had to pick.  But Proverbs is a close second.

11. What is something you're held to or remembered this Christmas season?
Gratitude/Thankfulness.  I really feel like it is the key to having joy no matter the circumstances.  And it has been so impressed on my heart, that I'm just gonna go with it as my theme for a while.  :)

Okay, so here are my nominations (I don't have very many, as I'm new to regularly blogging). Each one of these women has been an encouragement to me, whether it's sending a text message, leaving a kind comment on a post, or reminding me that they're praying for me. Thank you!

Life with the Shacks!
Baby Blues 2 Baby Shoes
teach me to braid

Now for your questions. Answer them in a blog post, add the image to your post, and then nominate eleven bloggers who deserve this award! (You can answer the questions even if you can't come up with eleven new bloggers, obviously I couldn't!! So no worries if you are like me and only nominate a couple of them.). Also, if you happen to read my blog and I don't know about you (coz you've never commented!) now is a great time to come "out of the closet" and let me know you are out there. :-) Just consider yourself nominated and post a link to your post in the comments.


1.  What is your favorite time of year?
2.  Do you have a hobby, if so, what is it?
3.  What is your go-to pick me up when you are having a bad day?

4.  Do you watch any sports?  If so, who is your favorite team?

5.  Do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert?

6.  What has been your favorite bible verse lately?

7.  What is your go-to recipe/meal when taking someone a meal? (If possible, please share a link, I am always looking for new yummy recipes!). 

8.  If you could meet anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?

9.  What was your first job (one where they took taxes out of your paycheck!!). 

10.  What number child are you in your family? (First, only, third, etc.) and do you like it or not?

11.  Share a goal you have for 2014. It can be a major goal or just a silly one. :-)
 
Once your posts are up, just put a link in the comments. :)  Thanks again, Candace for nominating me, sorry it took me so long to finally finish this post!

A mixed bag...

This last week was a very mixed bag.

Titus turned two on Monday.  Blows. my. mind.  When did the sweet baby I brought home from the hospital turn into a little boy?  He has truly been one of my greatest blessings and many times a great source of comfort.  He is a living, breathing answer to prayer and I love him SO very much.  His vocabulary is growing rapidly.  He now asks me questions frequently and will come grab my hand and say "c'mon, play, hurry".  It is so sweet.  He also will sometimes randomly tell me, "I wuv you".  Melts my heart every time.  I do not deserve him.

We did not celebrate his birthday on Monday however because we had a funeral to go to.  My cousins husband, was killed in a car accident on Christmas Eve while transporting two prisoners from one jail to another (he was a deputy for our local sheriffs department).  I haven't even had the words to actually type it out here.  It's almost like if I don't post it, then maybe it didn't happen.  You see, Jeremy was a huge part of our lives a few years ago.  He and Ryan worked together 9 years ago and Jeremy spent a lot of time and effort convincing us to go out on a blind date. He was the best man at our wedding, and just an all around great guy.  In recent years we had all kind of gone our own ways.  So I actually hadn't talked to him in over a year.  But somehow I always thought that life would slow down and we'd all get together again.  It's very hard to wrap my mind around that fact that we aren't ever going to hear from him again.  It's a hard way to learn the lesson that life is way too short.  His funeral was beautiful and gut wrenching.  I had never been to a law enforcement funeral and it was quite something to witness.  I pray I never have to attend another one. 

As for me and my own personal loss... every day seems to get a little easier and I am only occasionally caught off guard by tears. In church yesterday we sang Oceans, by Hillsong. This song has made me cry every time I've heard it this lately. So I didn't stand a chance this morning. I hate crying in front of people (and no one probably even noticed, but still). All of the words ring true to me. I want to just surrender and give it all to Him, but it is hard knowing that the outcomes are not always going to be what we had hoped. All in all it was good to go to church, just hard to smile at times when I just wanted to sit and weep. These are the moments I think it would be nice to be catholic. Lol. Then I could go to the church when it was empty and just light a candle and sit and pray and cry as needed. Geez, how depressing does that sound!!?  I really am doing ok, I promise.  I am very much looking forward to our next transfer and praying daily for those two little ones.  I want so very badly to meet both of them this side of heaven.  I spoke with Dr. K for a while on the phone on Thursday.  He said that we are free to return for treatment as soon as we feel ready, there is no need to wait and also no advantages to doing it sooner than later.  He said getting pregnant twice is  great indicator that my body is functioning correctly and that our chances for success will really depend on the embryo's.

I read this verse today and it really ministered to me:

You who have shown me many troubles and distresses
Will revive me again,
And will bring me up again from the depths of the earth.
May You increase my greatness
And turn to comfort me.
Psalm 71:20-21
How awesome is it that we serve a God who will REVIVE us again.  Who can bring us back from the depths.  I am so thankful for these truths.

Another thing that has really been helpful to me on this journey is the message boards and forums on hannahsprayer.org.  I don't know if I've ever shared about this site, but it truly has something for everyone dealing with infertility (well women only).  They have forums for couples complete as two, for women who are dealing with primary infertility, for miscarriage, for adoption, for adoption loss, for embryo adoption, etc.  Anyway, I highly recommend checking it out if you haven't ever heard of it before. 

Okay I think that's all for now.  :)
Amy

One Week

It's been a week. A long week. But I am doing ok. My grief is real and at times very raw. But for the most part I feel like it's going to be ok. And hopeful, happy, and (at times naively) optimistic Amy is still in there somewhere and not that far from where I am today. 

Just to keep it real, they prescribed me some X.anax last Friday just incase I needed it. I have never taken anything like that before, not because I'm against it, but simply because I've never felt like I needed it. Those first few days were really hard and I took X.anax a few times and that really helped me. And since then I haven't felt like I needed them. So I'm thankful for that.  I know it's all the prayer and also all the hormones that are finally getting out of my system. All those shots, plus pregnancy hormones really do a number on my emotions. It is nice to start to feel like myself again. 

Physically it hasn't been bad at all. I had a blood test today and my hCG came back at 3.5, which they consider negative. This is really good news. It means my body did what it was supposed to and that I don't have to do any more blood work. Yay!  I've had enough needles in my life for a while. 

I have a follow up phone consult with Dr K scheduled for Thursday and I am looking forward to that. I would like this thoughts on what happened and what the best way to proceed is (do we jump right back in or wait a cycle or two). I am not in a huge hurry, but I also want to continue to move forward in whatever way will give us the best chance for success with our last two embryos. 

I also have had a lot of peace that there was most likely something pretty wrong with our little one and I am so glad that he/she is now in heaven with a perfect body, never having to face any pain or discomfort here on this earth. Titus is pretty good medicine too, he is a even bigger miracle to me now and I am even more thankful for him than I was before.

If anything I feel like I'm facing one of my worst fears and realizing that it isn't going to kill me. I think I can actually find contentment and peace as a family of three and that is HUGE for me. HUGE. It takes so much pressure off of the next cycle. And Lord willing I will hopefully be pregnant again early this year. Out of the original four we have two left. One out of four of those little babies has to be a good one, right? :-) and if not, then we will cross that bridge when we get there. 

God has been good to me. He has been faithful. This is definitely the most emotional pain I have ever been in, but I find SO much comfort in the fact He hasn't forsaken us. He is still with us. And how do I know this? By the fact that each day gets a little better. That I can still wholeheartedly rejoice and be sincerely glad for my pregnant friends. Even if I am missing my baby. That I can find comfort and peace in what I do have. All of those things are not who I am naturally or who I was even a few years ago. I owe all of that to God and the work that He has been doing in my life. 

Do I miss my baby? Yes, always. 

Do I cry? Sometimes. 

Will I be sad if I never get pregnant again? Definitely. 

But this isn't the end of my story and I'm starting to feel excited to see what comes next and thankful for all that I have learned along the way. 

A friend of mine texted me this pic. It totally made me cry, but also made me so happy for all my little babies in heaven that I haven't met yet. 

Thank you for all your prayers, comments, love and support. It has truely been the arms and feet of Jesus in my life these past few weeks.