Lack of Power

Last night in my county and portions of surrounding counties the POWER went out from about 7pm until 1:30 am. I found it was a great reminder to me that we NEED to slow down more, talk more and relax more (although in the heat was not my preference!).  

I pinned a quote this morning that said… God made a whole beautiful earth and decided to put you in it, to experience all of this beauty.  You can't do that watching television all the time. - Donald Miller…  

For me, TV is my relaxation, but it is a crutch I rely on way too much (while surfing the net on my phone, ridiculous I know, but I CAN'T stop!! LOL).  I feel the strong need to unplug more and more and yet I find it harder and harder to do.  No TV? Not check Facebook? Not surf Pinterest? No instagramming? Are you cray cray?!!?  And yet my craft box is full of crafts to finish, my kindle is full of books to read, and half the time I only "think" I talked to my husband about something.  SAD.  Something drastic must be done. My life feels very busy, but often it does not feel  FULL. Not well rounded. And I know that I can do better. I know that I need to do better. To use the time that I am given on this earth to make a difference, use my brain, express myself creatively. This is what God made us for, because in these types of activities He can be glorified. Our social media today is an example of how we long to be connected. But yet in a lot of ways it feels like it keeps everyone at arms length. 

So, what am I saying? Am I giving up my smart phone and my hulu account? Probably not. But I do think some refocusing is in order. Some brain growing, some soul searching, some goal setting and dare I say it... boundaries... Yikes! Lots to chew on folks, lots to chew on!  So, now that I've  rambled on way too long, let me ask you, how do YOU unplug?

Round 2...?

It really feels like a lifetime ago that we started IVF, it has been over two years so I guess that is quite a while. Where does the time go?  Titus is now 19 months and a true joy. I cannot imagine what having another baby would look like. I don't feel like I deserve one. I feel like I used up all my blessings and luck with Titus and somehow that makes me think that more kiddos aren't in our future. But I know that isn't scriptural or how God works. He gives and takes away, and our lives are about bringing glory to Him no matter where He leads us. We were blessed by Him before Titus, with Titus, and we are blessed with or without more children. Children are a blessing, but they are not THE blessing, they are one of many ways that God can bless us. 

All that to say that I think round two will feel very different. Having Titus makes this feel like a bonus round. Like even if it doesn't work, I won't walk away totally empty handed. And yet I truly love my four frozen little babies and I long to have them in my arms. In my head they are three boys and one girl and they have names waiting for them (well names that I would use, Hubs and I will definitely have to duke it out if that time ever comes). I don't know if I will ever get to hold them this side of heaven, but I pray that I do. 

So round 2 leaves me with so many mixed feelings. Feelings of... What if it doesn't work?... OMG, what if it does?... It's truely bittersweet, Titus brings a real reality to what our four little embryos represent. They are truely little lives waiting to get growing. I'm sorry that they are still frozen and waiting for us. I feel like we hit pause on their lives and I cannot wait for them to be out of limbo land. And yet that means that they might not "be" anymore. For now they feel safe, alive, and waiting. But once thawed the risk begins again. The reality of them possibly not making it is hard. But as their mother I need to rest in the fact that their days are predetermined by God and that He loves them even more than I do. 

So basically all that rambling to say that I finally made the call to our clinics office (it only took me like a week, I can't explain it but that first call is always hard for me). We can start the process any time just have to call on day one of my cycle. So now we just have to pick which month. Currently I'm voting for October and my husband is voting for December. Lol! Prayers for peace and comfort would be much appreciated. This is a wild ride and I can't believe we are about to get back on it. Wee-haw!!

It's not fair

After Titus fell asleep tonight I just held him and cried. Because it’s not fair that I have him, when so many are still waiting for their babies.  Because I’m so thankful for him.  Because he is more than I deserved.  Because he is a miracle (all babies are, but he’s my miracle).  

Infertility has been heavy on my heart... I'm having lunch this week with a friend who has been dealing with infertility for three years.  Another sweet friend of mine that I got to spend some time with last week has endured a failed IVF and two failed adoptions, they are not sure what their next steps will be.  One of my blog friends just found out her IVF was unsuccessful.  So much heartache.  And yet I get to rock my son to sleep tonight.  It's just not fair.  In my HEAD, I know God is faithful and is writing a beautiful story with each of their lives, that He is working even now in the midst of the pain and that the outcome will be better than anyone could have imagined.  But my HEART just hurts for my friends.  And I would do anything to make it all better. 

My little contribution to national infertility awareness week...

I have so enjoyed all the blog posts I've read this week regarding national infertility awareness week.  They have been inspiring, motivating and encouraging.  In honor of infertility awareness week I want to share the story of my laparoscopic surgery in 2010.  To me it’s a funny story, but it also shows just some of the crazy things that we do, all for the sake of getting pregnant someday.  So this one is for all my fellow “lab rats”, I hope you enjoy my story, it's not very serious or inspirational but I hope you will have at least one chuckle as you read it, because laughter really is some of the best medicine.  :)  

Our wonderful RE down south had reviewed my Hysterosalpinogram (HSG) (having that done probably deserves its own story, but I think one TMI story is enough for now!), he thought that one of my fallopian tubes looked kind of small and was concerned that it may not be functioning the right way.  He was also concerned that I might have endometriosis and recommended laparoscopic surgery so that he could “clean out” any endo, and check on the tube.

We drove down the night before my surgery to Thousand Oaks, and checked into our hotel.  We borrowed my father-in-laws Honda Accord so that we would have a bigger car and I would be more comfortable on the drive home after my surgery.  The drive down was uneventful and we had as restful of a night of sleep as anyone does the night before surgery. 

The next morning I was up early and hubs was a little irritated that I was so anxious to get to the hospital. He argued that the hospital was less than a 10 minute drive away and he was not interested in leaving “way too early” (have I mentioned he’s not a morning person?).  Anyway, we had to be there by 6:30am, and I wasn’t about to be late.  So, we headed downstairs just before 6 and got into the car only to realize that it would NOT START!  I’m trying not to freak out and neither of us is quite sure what to do.  I believe at one point my husband said to me, “well we could just start running, we’d probably get there in time”.  WHAT?!!, I was NOT going to run to the hospital!!  So we did what everyone does when they need a ride to the hospital, we called a taxi cab (to this day we still debate about who’s idea it was, but trust me, it was MY idea).  :)  It was the craziest thing to be driven to my surgery (just in the nick of time I might add) in a CAB!

We got to the hospital and got checked in.  Surgery went as smoothly as those things do and the next thing I know I’m waking up in the recovery room to a nurse telling me, “My, you get kind of emotional when you come out of anesthesia”.  Apparently I’d been crying, and I was now SO nauseated, that I’d rather die than go on living, so I’m sure I was just a joy to take care of.  They got me enough anti-nausea meds to finally feel like a human again, but they wouldn’t let me go home until I went pee.  I’d never had a catheter before but I was quickly finding out that it can be a challenge to “go” after having one.  I finally peed enough to get cut loose from that joint and we proceeded to take a cab back to the hotel.  :)  We had already checked out of our rooms but since our car wouldn’t start we didn’t really have anywhere else to go.  Have I mentioned yet that it’s December 23 and I just want to go home?  So I assure Ryan that he just needs to call AAA and get them down there to fix the car and I will just sit in the lobby and wait.  (He felt really bad and wanted to get a room for another night at the hotel so I’d have somewhere to wait, but I didn’t want to pay for a room to sit in!!)  I’m sure whoever saw me sitting in the lobby probably thought I had “issues” as I was still pretty drugged up after my fun morning surgery. 

Another hour or so went by and AAA had come and gotten the car started but said the battery was shot.  So we could drive it home as long as we didn’t ever stop and turn the car off on our way.  It’s only a three hour drive, shouldn’t be a big deal, right?

First “stop” of the drive home, the in and out drive thru (remember we can’t turn the car off).  I run inside to pee, because I’ve been pumped full of fluids and now I really gotta go.  But I must have had some weird side effect from the catheter because while I feel like I really gotta go, nothing really is coming out, just a tiny trickle.  Not good.  I give up and get back in the car to find that hubs ordered me a grilled cheese because, “I wasn’t supposed to have anything heavy”.  I will never eat a grilled cheese there again.  I’m sure they make a fine sandwich, but I could barely choke it down thanks to the dry mouth that I had from the pain and nausea meds.  :)  We drive for about an hour before I can’t take it anymore and I tell hubs to find the nearest gas station where I can try, yet again, to pee.  Gas station bathrooms are SO gross, but desperate times, call for desperate measures.  My problem continues however, and I can’t produce much more than a trickle, I know that the car is running (due to the bad battery) so I again give up and we get back out on the road.  We repeated this scenario several more times on the drive home and by the end of the trip I was functioning much more “normally” and I’m happy to report that the car made it all the way home and got a new battery the next day.

As a side note, my Dr reported that my fallopian tube was smaller (as the HSG had shown), but seemed to be fully functional which was good news, he also that my endo was between a stage 2 and a stage 3.  Not what I wanted to hear, but I did feel relieved that there was at least a reason for all of the pain that I had been in for so many years.

The “moral” to the story is that when dealing with infertility you have to find the humor in it when you can.  Ryan and I have enjoyed such a good laugh tonight as we reminisced about how crazy that day was and I hope it put a smile on your face too.  :)

2 years ago...

Two years ago today was the first time I "met" Titus and all of his little brothers and/or sisters.  It was the day of our embryo transfer and I got to see pictures of all my little babies.  I truly love them all and look forward to meeting them all someday, if not on this earth, then in heaven.  I remember this day two years ago like it was yesterday, and yet at the same time it feels like a lifetime ago.  I remember feeling sort of down the day of the transfer because I realized that there was nothing more I could do to make sure we got pregnant.  But then I remember realizing that there was never really anything I could do, it was always in Gods hands.  And I still have to put Titus and our remaining four embryo's in His hands everyday, knowing that He has a plan and His will is ultimately best whether it ever makes sense to me or not.
The sermon at church yesterday talked about how we are all called to disciple others and to be discipled, and how God uses the trials and struggles we go through in our lives to help others when they are going through similar circumstances.  It gave me such comfort to know that by sharing my story (mostly in real life, because I don't think my blog gets read much, and that is totally fine! lol) God can use that to touch someone who maybe just needs to know that they aren't alone, that someone is praying for them, rooting for them, hoping for them, remembering that they had an appointment or ultrasound or were meeting with an adoption agency, etc. Taped to the inside of my Bible I have some encouraging words and a few verses and a prayer that really helped me on some of my darkest days.  I want to share them with you today, if nothing else typing them out will be great way for me to really soak them in again:

"Lord, You are SO good.  You do all things well."  (This always reminds me that God doesn't make mistakes, and He doesn't waste the hurt.  He has a plan and a purpose that are always at work to shape me into the person that He wants me to be.)

"Lord, thank you for our infertility.  Also, thank you that YOU are in CONTROL, and that this is good for me or You would not permit it.  Thank You for this special opportunity to glorify You and magnify Your name.  Thank You for what You are trying to teach me.  Use me for Your glory even if I must continue to suffer through this experience. Amen."  (I can remember praying this prayer over and over.  Surrendering to Him in my infertility brought me such comfort on the bad days.  For me it is an ongoing process of laying it down at His feet.  I seem to continually pick this cross up when I don't need to.)

"Combat comes before victory.  If God has chosen special trials for you to endure, be assured He has kept a very special place in His heart just for you.  A badly bruised soul is one who is chosen."  (I cannot remember where I found this quote, but I just love it SO SO much.  How great is our God who sees all of our struggles and holds us in His hands.)

"If we are faithless, HE remains faithful, for HE cannot deny Himself. - 2 Timothy 2:24"  (One of my favorite Bible verses and an awesome reminder that even when we feel like giving up He is still faithful.)

"Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.  Hebrews 4:16" (Probably my all time favorite verse.)

I pray that the Lord reminds me of all of these things over the next few months as we look forward to our FET in the fall.  I feel like my hiatus from infertility is over, and I realize that may sound weird because I have Titus.  And I am grateful everyday that I have the privilege of being his mommy, but we are still infertile, and that still hurts (although it is definitely not the open wound it once was).  Treatments are still hard, and I know that there will likely be disappointments along the way, and that is why I must continually lean on Him.  I've walked this road before and I know that HE was always there and I look forward (am I really saying this?) to seeing how He is going to work in my heart again.  I am so anxious/excited/nervous to see how God expands our family.  And maybe He won't, maybe the answer this time will be 'no'.  But that too will be an answer, and yet another opportunity to trust Him.  Today I feel like I can find peace and contentment in that.  But I also know that tomorrow I may lose sight of His goodness and need THIS very post to reflect on.  :)

Happy Monday!

One Year Old

Titus,

It seems like just yesterday I was dreaming of being a mommy  and wishing that I could have my very own baby to love.  And now, you've been here for a whole year!!  Motherhood is HARD, but its by far the best job I've ever had.  I wanted to write down a little bit about what you are up to these days so that I will have something to look back on when you are older.  I know I'm going to forget all the little details so I'm hoping that I can do a better job blogging this year. 

NEWEST ACHIEVEMENTS: Everyday you seem to be learning something new.  Your vocabulary is growing rapidly, you say da da, mama, da (dog), da -si (Daisy Grandma's Dog), kee (Kitty), Go, Yay, and lots of other words that I have no idea what they mean.  You have also started pointing at things that you see that interest you.  It's very cute!!  On your first birthday you were taking a few steps, like maybe one or two in a row, but one week later you were taking up to 7 or 8 steps in a row!  And now, less than a month later you are almost running!!  And you love to climb!  I'm scared of all the places I know I'm going to find you in the near future!  Yikes!  So far, I've only found you on top of the hearth, the couch, standing in your rocking chair, and also standing on top of your little fisher price car. 

PERSONALITY: You love to smile and laugh!  You have just learned how to fake laugh and smile and it just cracks me up.  You are also quite stubborn!  Yikes!  I pray that I can be firm enough and consistent with my "No's".  You have been experiencing some stranger awareness anxiety over the last month and a half, but on the flip side, you will flirt with just about anyone that makes eye contact with you!! 

SLEEP: You are a very early riser, you are up most days by 5:30, sometimes earlier and occasionally you let me sleep in until 6:30!!  You are still taking two naps a day, but you seem to think you only need one nap so I usually have to fight to get you to take the second nap.  You have never been a very good napper but now you will actually sleep for at least an hour, sometimes two.  And you are usually sound asleep for the evening by 7:30.  You still wake up a round midnight to nurse but I'm hoping that you will soon sleep through the night!  In fact last night you didn't wake up until 4:20, so maybe we are getting closer.

FOOD:  So far you still prefer nursing more than any other type of food.  You nurse probably three or four times a day and once in the middle of the night.  It makes me laugh because I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to nurse you and now I'm worried I'll never be able to wean you!! But I have really enjoyed our time together and I know that I will miss it once we are done.  You do take a bottle when I'm at work and you are slowly getting better at eating actual food.  You are just a very SLOW eater so we have to be patient and remember not to rush you!  :)  Your favorite food is Cheerios or Puffs.  You also enjoy yogurt, bananas, avocados, beans, macaroni and cheese and oranges.  You are also quite good at begging.  If I'm eating something you will squawk at me until I share a bite (that you usually just chew on and then spit back out!).  You have figured out how to feed the dogs and you love to watch them scurry over when you "share" your food by dropping it down to them. 

FUN: We take you for lots of walks in our jogging stroller and you love it.  You rarely make a peep so you must enjoy watching everything go by as we are walking.  I've taken you to the park and while you like to walk around and enjoy the slide, you do NOT like the swing!  You don't want to swing by yourself, or with me, even watching me swing makes you cry.  It's weird, and I hope you get over your fear soon because I REALLY want to push you in the swing at the park. You are also showing us how much you really are ALL boy, you love to wrestle, and also to chase us and to be chased by us!  It's adorable!

Precious baby I'm so glad God gave you to us!  We have enjoyed every minute with you and cannot wait to see what this next year holds for you.  I pray that God keeps you safe and healthy and helps me and daddy be exactly the parents you need us to be!!

Love you tons!
Mommy

A Birth Story

So this is a little over a year late... but better late than never, right?  :)

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Sweet Titus, getting you here was no small feat!  :)  Your original due date was December 31, 2011.  But that day came and went and there was no sign of your arrival.  I’d have contractions here and there but nothing regular and I was not dilated at all, you had not dropped, your head wasn’t engaged and I was starting to get very worried.  So Dr. Lake decided to induce me on January 5th.  We arrived at the hospital at 7 am and got all checked in to our room.  They started me on medicine to get me to dilate at around 8 in the morning.  The meds worked well and by 8:15 that night I was dilated to a 3 and my water broke on its own while I was walking around trying to get things started.  Up until this point my labor had been boring and not painful at all.  After my water broke my contractions really picked up and they would not let me walk around anymore, so they became a lot more painful.  The breathing exercises did help but by 3 AM that morning they were just too painful and I was getting really tired.  I decided to go ahead and get an epidural so that I would hopefully be able to get some sleep.  I was afraid that without any rest there would be no way that I could push you out.  The epidural took away some of the pain but never really got my left side very numb.  So I was never able to get any real sleep.  I was taking forever to dilate, but by 10 the morning of the 6th I was finally dilated to a 10!!  But you still hadn't dropped so they didn't want me to push yet.  About an hour and a half later I asked the nurse if I could just start pushing.  I was tired and very ready to meet you and wanted to be able to do something and pushing seemed like the next step.  So I started pushing.  By this point my contractions had slowed down to being around five minutes apart, so I had to wait in between each contraction before I could push.  After an hour and a half of pushing they called Dr. Lake in so that you could finally be born.  They got everything ready and as I pushed thru the next contraction Dr. Lake said, "Stop pushing!!  That is not a head, this baby is breach!!".  This was a 1:30pm.  I was really scared that something bad was going to happen to you, but the nurse assured me that your heart rate was doing good and that I just needed to stay calm and then that would help keep your heart rate where it was supposed to be.  Grandma Kerry was there and she also helped to remind me and your dad that God was in control and that everything was going to be okay.  All the nurses hurried up to get me ready for an emergency c-section.  They already had one c-section going on so they had to assemble another team together and get a second operating room ready.  Once they got me into the OR I had to lay there while they were still trying to get the room ready and give me enough medicine so that I would be numb from the waist down.  I had two anesthesiologists arguing over how much medicine to give me, one thought that I needed more medicine and the other thought that I would have too much medicine if they gave me that much.  It was very scary.  But I tried to focus on you and getting to meet you.  I also sang one of my very favorite songs (in my head, not out loud!).  Your dad was not in the OR with me yet because he had to put scrubs on and wait for the room to be ready before they would let me in.  Finally they were ready to start.  My right side was very numb but my left side was not as numb and as they began the c-section I realized that it was hurting a lot.  I felt everything.  It was so painful.  I was so thankful that your dad was right there next to me.  He got right down in my face and just kept telling me over and over again that it was going to be okay. At 2:30pm, after what seemed like an eternity, Dr. Lake called out, “Okay Dad, tell us what it is!”  Your daddy peaked over the curtain and said, “It’s a boy!!”.  I could see you just barely as they cleaned up and you started to cry on the warming table.  Your dad and I had still not decided on a name at this point, but we both looked at each other and knew, your name was Titus James.  Your birth was a crazy event, but seeing you made it all worth it.  After they finished stitching me up they wheeled my bed into a recovery room where I got to really meet you for the first time.  As I looked at you for the first time up close I could see that you were the spitting image of your daddy, which was so special to me.  See you and realizing you look exactly like your dad made me realize that God had a plan all along and had not only blessed me with a baby, but blessed me with a little boy that looked just like his daddy, which was what I had always dreamed about.  It was a sweet little bonus that God didn’t have to do, but that I feel He did as a way to remind me how much HE loves me every time I look at you. 

Looking back it made since that I never went into labor on my own and that my labor went so slowly.  You were breech (butt first) so there was nothing to really put good pressure on my cervix.  Thankfully you were perfectly healthy and suffered no ill effects other than a bruised butt and a little cut on your bum where they had placed the internal monitor on your “head”!!  I will never know why my doctor and two different nurses never caught the fact that you were breech and had been for quite some time.  My advice to every mommy-to-be is to GET AN ULTRASOUND at the end of your pregnancy just too make baby is pointed in the right direction.  :)

You were well worth all the drama and have blessed me more than I could ever tell you!

I love you baby bear!

Mommy