Goals for the new year...

I know the first day of 2014 was almost a month ago, but it's STILL January so I'm going to say that it's not too late to do a "goals for the new year" post!! :-)

So here are mine:

-Read 12 books (one a month, that's doable, right?)

-Memorize Psalm 34

-Finish photo books for the last THREE years (yikes am I really that far behind??)

-Cut out sugar (at least 5 days a week)

-Pay off last student loan

-Keep blogging (I'm kind of getting addicted!) 

So yeah, those are my goals. Nothing crazy or extreme. Just some specific things I've been working towards. 

In a more general sense I know some people picked a word for 2014. And I thought that was a really neat idea. So my word is BRAVE. 

I want to be...

-brave enough to face another FET. 

-brave enough to allow God to work in my heart in whatever ways He sees fit. 

-brave enough to surrender it all to Him, all my hopes, all my dreams, and know that He is able, and His plan is good. 

Blessings,

Amy

Sunshine Award

I'm super honored that Candace at The Loveliest Way nominated me for a Sunshine Award.  I love her honest and God fearing posts as she writes her way through her infertility journey.  Reading her blog inspired me to blog thru my last cycle, and I'm so glad I did as it was very therapeutic and has given me some great memories that I wouldn't have had otherwise. I just cannot wait to see how God ends up making her a mama!  I know that it is going to be the most awesome story ever.  :)

Okay, now to answer my questions...
 
1. Do you prefer savory or sweet for breakfast?
Oh dear, this is hard.  Breakfast is hands down my favorite meal.  In fact if we eat somewhere that serves breakfast all day I will usually order it for dinner.  :)  I almost always go for french toast or waffles, but I like to make sure the meal comes with eggs and HASH BROWNS.  I'm a sucker for potatoes!!  So I guess I like both savory AND sweet for breakfast!!

2. What is a beauty product you simply cannot live without?
Foundation.  And I really haven't found the "perfect" one yet.  But there is still time!  I've always struggled with acne so I feel most comfortable when I can at least have some foundation on.

3. Complete the sentence: I wish I had more time for...
SEWING!  I really like to sew.  But I'm not that great at it and it's really hard to find the time now to work on projects.  A toddler plus sewing equals a very messy house!!

4. What is the last book you read?
The Hiding Place, by Corrie TenBoom.  Such a great read.  I highly recommend it.  Her optimism just has a way of pulling you out of whatever your sad situation is and helping you try to see the blessings in the situation.  It has seriously been a lifesaver through this last treatment cycle, pregnancy and miscarriage.

5. Which do you prefer: a live or fake Christmas tree?
Live all the way!  Although I'm a tight-wad at heart, so spending money on something that is going to die kind of kills me a little.  But still, the smell of a REAL tree cannot be replicated.  :) (in my opinion of course!)

6. What is your favorite Christmas carol?
Probably Joy to the World.  That is what Jesus really is after all.  Our joy.  :)

7. If you could own a home anywhere, where would it be?
Probably somewhere on the central coast.  We love Morro Bay (I know that probably makes us sound like 50 year olds!) but we like the slower pace and it's where Ryan proposed and where we honeymooned and where we like to camp.  So, yeah, it holds a lot of good memories.  But like I always tell Ryan, if we lived there, then where would we retreat too?

8. Which do you like better: gold or silver?
Agh, another tough one!  Good questions Candace!!  I was ALWAYS a silver girl, even my wedding ring is white gold, and I wore very little gold.  But now gold is growing on me and I wear it a lot more.  So I can't pick. And honestly I don't wear a lot of jewelry, but it is one of my life goals to get better at accessorizing. :)

9. If you were a flower, what flower would you be?
A tulip.  Those are my favorite flowers.  :)

10. What is your favorite book of the Bible?
Another tough one!!  Probably Philippians, if I had to pick.  But Proverbs is a close second.

11. What is something you're held to or remembered this Christmas season?
Gratitude/Thankfulness.  I really feel like it is the key to having joy no matter the circumstances.  And it has been so impressed on my heart, that I'm just gonna go with it as my theme for a while.  :)

Okay, so here are my nominations (I don't have very many, as I'm new to regularly blogging). Each one of these women has been an encouragement to me, whether it's sending a text message, leaving a kind comment on a post, or reminding me that they're praying for me. Thank you!

Life with the Shacks!
Baby Blues 2 Baby Shoes
teach me to braid

Now for your questions. Answer them in a blog post, add the image to your post, and then nominate eleven bloggers who deserve this award! (You can answer the questions even if you can't come up with eleven new bloggers, obviously I couldn't!! So no worries if you are like me and only nominate a couple of them.). Also, if you happen to read my blog and I don't know about you (coz you've never commented!) now is a great time to come "out of the closet" and let me know you are out there. :-) Just consider yourself nominated and post a link to your post in the comments.


1.  What is your favorite time of year?
2.  Do you have a hobby, if so, what is it?
3.  What is your go-to pick me up when you are having a bad day?

4.  Do you watch any sports?  If so, who is your favorite team?

5.  Do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert?

6.  What has been your favorite bible verse lately?

7.  What is your go-to recipe/meal when taking someone a meal? (If possible, please share a link, I am always looking for new yummy recipes!). 

8.  If you could meet anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?

9.  What was your first job (one where they took taxes out of your paycheck!!). 

10.  What number child are you in your family? (First, only, third, etc.) and do you like it or not?

11.  Share a goal you have for 2014. It can be a major goal or just a silly one. :-)
 
Once your posts are up, just put a link in the comments. :)  Thanks again, Candace for nominating me, sorry it took me so long to finally finish this post!

A mixed bag...

This last week was a very mixed bag.

Titus turned two on Monday.  Blows. my. mind.  When did the sweet baby I brought home from the hospital turn into a little boy?  He has truly been one of my greatest blessings and many times a great source of comfort.  He is a living, breathing answer to prayer and I love him SO very much.  His vocabulary is growing rapidly.  He now asks me questions frequently and will come grab my hand and say "c'mon, play, hurry".  It is so sweet.  He also will sometimes randomly tell me, "I wuv you".  Melts my heart every time.  I do not deserve him.

We did not celebrate his birthday on Monday however because we had a funeral to go to.  My cousins husband, was killed in a car accident on Christmas Eve while transporting two prisoners from one jail to another (he was a deputy for our local sheriffs department).  I haven't even had the words to actually type it out here.  It's almost like if I don't post it, then maybe it didn't happen.  You see, Jeremy was a huge part of our lives a few years ago.  He and Ryan worked together 9 years ago and Jeremy spent a lot of time and effort convincing us to go out on a blind date. He was the best man at our wedding, and just an all around great guy.  In recent years we had all kind of gone our own ways.  So I actually hadn't talked to him in over a year.  But somehow I always thought that life would slow down and we'd all get together again.  It's very hard to wrap my mind around that fact that we aren't ever going to hear from him again.  It's a hard way to learn the lesson that life is way too short.  His funeral was beautiful and gut wrenching.  I had never been to a law enforcement funeral and it was quite something to witness.  I pray I never have to attend another one. 

As for me and my own personal loss... every day seems to get a little easier and I am only occasionally caught off guard by tears. In church yesterday we sang Oceans, by Hillsong. This song has made me cry every time I've heard it this lately. So I didn't stand a chance this morning. I hate crying in front of people (and no one probably even noticed, but still). All of the words ring true to me. I want to just surrender and give it all to Him, but it is hard knowing that the outcomes are not always going to be what we had hoped. All in all it was good to go to church, just hard to smile at times when I just wanted to sit and weep. These are the moments I think it would be nice to be catholic. Lol. Then I could go to the church when it was empty and just light a candle and sit and pray and cry as needed. Geez, how depressing does that sound!!?  I really am doing ok, I promise.  I am very much looking forward to our next transfer and praying daily for those two little ones.  I want so very badly to meet both of them this side of heaven.  I spoke with Dr. K for a while on the phone on Thursday.  He said that we are free to return for treatment as soon as we feel ready, there is no need to wait and also no advantages to doing it sooner than later.  He said getting pregnant twice is  great indicator that my body is functioning correctly and that our chances for success will really depend on the embryo's.

I read this verse today and it really ministered to me:

You who have shown me many troubles and distresses
Will revive me again,
And will bring me up again from the depths of the earth.
May You increase my greatness
And turn to comfort me.
Psalm 71:20-21
How awesome is it that we serve a God who will REVIVE us again.  Who can bring us back from the depths.  I am so thankful for these truths.

Another thing that has really been helpful to me on this journey is the message boards and forums on hannahsprayer.org.  I don't know if I've ever shared about this site, but it truly has something for everyone dealing with infertility (well women only).  They have forums for couples complete as two, for women who are dealing with primary infertility, for miscarriage, for adoption, for adoption loss, for embryo adoption, etc.  Anyway, I highly recommend checking it out if you haven't ever heard of it before. 

Okay I think that's all for now.  :)
Amy

One Week

It's been a week. A long week. But I am doing ok. My grief is real and at times very raw. But for the most part I feel like it's going to be ok. And hopeful, happy, and (at times naively) optimistic Amy is still in there somewhere and not that far from where I am today. 

Just to keep it real, they prescribed me some X.anax last Friday just incase I needed it. I have never taken anything like that before, not because I'm against it, but simply because I've never felt like I needed it. Those first few days were really hard and I took X.anax a few times and that really helped me. And since then I haven't felt like I needed them. So I'm thankful for that.  I know it's all the prayer and also all the hormones that are finally getting out of my system. All those shots, plus pregnancy hormones really do a number on my emotions. It is nice to start to feel like myself again. 

Physically it hasn't been bad at all. I had a blood test today and my hCG came back at 3.5, which they consider negative. This is really good news. It means my body did what it was supposed to and that I don't have to do any more blood work. Yay!  I've had enough needles in my life for a while. 

I have a follow up phone consult with Dr K scheduled for Thursday and I am looking forward to that. I would like this thoughts on what happened and what the best way to proceed is (do we jump right back in or wait a cycle or two). I am not in a huge hurry, but I also want to continue to move forward in whatever way will give us the best chance for success with our last two embryos. 

I also have had a lot of peace that there was most likely something pretty wrong with our little one and I am so glad that he/she is now in heaven with a perfect body, never having to face any pain or discomfort here on this earth. Titus is pretty good medicine too, he is a even bigger miracle to me now and I am even more thankful for him than I was before.

If anything I feel like I'm facing one of my worst fears and realizing that it isn't going to kill me. I think I can actually find contentment and peace as a family of three and that is HUGE for me. HUGE. It takes so much pressure off of the next cycle. And Lord willing I will hopefully be pregnant again early this year. Out of the original four we have two left. One out of four of those little babies has to be a good one, right? :-) and if not, then we will cross that bridge when we get there. 

God has been good to me. He has been faithful. This is definitely the most emotional pain I have ever been in, but I find SO much comfort in the fact He hasn't forsaken us. He is still with us. And how do I know this? By the fact that each day gets a little better. That I can still wholeheartedly rejoice and be sincerely glad for my pregnant friends. Even if I am missing my baby. That I can find comfort and peace in what I do have. All of those things are not who I am naturally or who I was even a few years ago. I owe all of that to God and the work that He has been doing in my life. 

Do I miss my baby? Yes, always. 

Do I cry? Sometimes. 

Will I be sad if I never get pregnant again? Definitely. 

But this isn't the end of my story and I'm starting to feel excited to see what comes next and thankful for all that I have learned along the way. 

A friend of mine texted me this pic. It totally made me cry, but also made me so happy for all my little babies in heaven that I haven't met yet. 

Thank you for all your prayers, comments, love and support. It has truely been the arms and feet of Jesus in my life these past few weeks. 

2014

I have never been more conflicted about a new year than I am this year. I typically like the New Years holiday. I love a fresh start. A clean slate. I also enjoy reflecting on the past year and remembering all that has happened. Even during our five years of IF with no child I can remember always being glad that another year was behind us. Because surely the next one would be better. 

But this year, something about thinking that 2013 is over just makes me want to cry. I think it's because I'm still very much in the middle of trying to process all that has happened in the last nine weeks. Because in reality it was really a pretty great year. We paid off a ton of debt. We survived living with my parents for a full year (and got our own place again in September). We have had the privilege of another year with Titus and are enjoying him more and more every day. I mean babies are great, I am for sure a baby person. But I'm finding that toddlers are an all out blast and that has been so fun. (They are also messy, and cranky, and sometimes down right hostile, but still SO much fun!). So again, it has been a great year. The part of me that wants to kick and scream and cry and refuse to turn the page to a new year is the part of me that holds the last nine weeks as sacred. As the only time on this earth when this little baby Wilson was an active part of our story. So to move to a new year just seems so final. Like it's definitely over and I don't get to take this baby with me. My life will move forward. And our baby is not going to be moving forward with us. 2014 has already let me down, because it already looks a lot different than I thought it would a week ago. I know I have to find a way to come to terms with this. But the sentimental mommy in me just wants to stay in 2013 forever. Because 2013 was a good year and even had a new baby in it, and at this point 2014 does not. 

So hear I sit. Knowing, even in my sadness, that 2014 can't be all bad.  (And the optimist in me can't wait to see what's in store for us.) I pray that this year holds more happiness than tears, and that God continues to use the hard things in life to refine me and make me more like Him. I pray that He will give me the courage to keep moving forward and to live the life that He has given me, even if it looks different than I thought it was going to.

And just like that, it was over...

We had our second ultrasound yesterday. The last one before "graduating" to a regular OB. The last one. I had struggled a lot with fear this time, but the last few days had been so much more peaceful. So, I was really hopeful that all was well and looking forward to seeing our baby wriggling on the screen, with arms and little legs. Instead Dr Hubert searched and searched. Ultimately he found nothing but a small sac with no baby in it. 

I should be almost 9 weeks. I should be having a baby this summer. Giving my son a sibling. Instead I am empty. Left trying to search for a way to honor a life I never met, a baby I will never hold on this earth. What do you do to remember them? All of them. The ones that didn't make it to blast.  The ones that didn't implant. The ones who were growing, but then for some reason stopped. How? Little lives that only I will probably ever remember or feel much of a connection to. My heart is broken. 

They sent me home with meds to induce a miscarriage. I could have just waited it out, but my mom has Titus and I just wanted to try and get thru the worst of the physical part this weekend, while I'm off work. I keep praying that God would be merciful to me and allow my body to do what it needs to do without complications. So far I'm doing ok and it hasn't been too painful. And for that I am thankful. 

I know ultimately I will be ok. My heart will heal and I will be stronger for this. Infertility is SO ugly and I refuse to let it rob me of my joy perminantly. I want to live in a place where what I already have is more than enough. Where just Jesus is enough. I'm not there yet, but it is my goal.  We have two more babies waiting, and we will go back for them soon. Just not exactly sure when right now. I want to make sure I'm in a good place mentally.

----------------------------------------------

Baby mine, you got the best end of this deal. While I sit here crying, you are rejoicing with Jesus. Your body is perfect and you are truly in the best place anyone could ever imagine. I pray that you know just how loved and wanted you were. Heaven got so much sweeter to me yesterday when I realized that you were there already. I am not ready to say goodbye to you. But I look forward to holding you (and all your siblings that haven't made it) for the first time in heaven. 

Love always,

Mommy

Merry Christmas!!

Wishing Christmas blessings for you and yours!!!

Love, 

Amy